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This is interesting, and explains a LOT about why some peoples’ versions of polyamory just rubs me the wrong way. (A lot of my issues in this post could be explained by this chart)
The biggest problems I see in polyamorous relationships boil down to two things:
1. “I’m want two girlfriends / I want to be in a triad / I want a harem / We’re looking for a cute bisexual girl” - Looking for a relationship type (a fantasy) instead of a person
It’s good to know what you want in a relationship, and to know what you’d be open to. But you shouldn’t “look for two girlfriends.” You should look for people AS PEOPLE. You should find someone who shares your interests, your perspective on life, who you get along with. You should be upfront with them that you are a polyamorous person, but you shouldn’t look to COLLECT LOVERS like their value lies in how they can fulfill your romantic/sexual fantasies. You should look for people, and if you happen to be lucky enough to find two or three or five or ten people who you can connect with on an intimate level, then that is amazing. I feel like you should go into it with an attitude of humility and gratitude.
2. “We have veto power” / “She can be with women but only one man” / “Sleep with whoever you want but don’t fall in love” / “Date casually but don’t have sex” - Rules instead of working through your issues of inadequacy and jealousy
It’s good to set boundaries and understand what each person in comfortable with in a relationship. But a lot of the “boundaries” I see people setting are unfair, not possible to predict (you can’t stop falling in love with someone), or are really there because one or both partners are jealous and don’t want to deal with it. That’s not really polyamory, to me. That’s two (possibly actually monogamous) people who maybe like the idea of polyamory but who aren’t ready to deal with it what it really means.
Both of these sort of tie into each other. A lot of the problems in two could also be less from jealousy/inadequacy and more from the same as #1 - viewing people as something you use to fulfill your fantasies instead of as people you care about and love. Or both - you may be so blinded by your own inadequacy and jealousy that you can’t understand what the other person means to your partner. I can’t see anyone saying “we have veto power because our relationship always comes first” unless they don’t respect the person they’re seeing as an individual worthy of love and respect. You would never “veto” someone’s relationship unless their usefulness to fulfill your own selfish fantasies was no longer worth the cost it takes to be in a relationship with them.
Suppose that’s my spontaneous opinion on the subject. I don’t know why I’m so full of opinions recently.
More reblogging of this girl.
(Source: taxidermyandlace)
