February 24, 2012

Dead white poets and their ishs

Things I wish I wrote about poets instead of lit criticism

Me:

Wordsworth -- PLEASE TO BE REMOVING THE GIANT POLE AND ENGLISH FLAG FROM YOUR ANUS, IT'S POKING ITS HEAD IN YOUR VERSE.

Lord Byron -- YOU WANT ME TO DO *WHAT* TO YOUR *WHAT*?

Him:

To Wordsworth -- NEXT MENTION OF TREES AND ONE IS GOING INTO YOUR URETHRA

Me:

To Shelley -- ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THE WIND AND NOT SOME VAPOURS YOU CONSUMED

To T.S.Eliot -- OM SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI DID YOU JUST WRITE ABOUT RATS

DID THE QUEEN APPROVE OF THIS

Him:

*dead*

Me:

To Blake -- LAMB AND TYGER ARE FINE, BUT WHY WOULD YOU MAKE YOUR POOR WIFE HAVE TANTRIC SEX WITH YOUR NEIGHBOUR TO PROVE HOW PROGRESSIVE YOU WERE? COULDN'T YOU JUST FUCK YOUR SISTER LIKE OTHER CHRISTIANS

Him:

*DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.*

Oh wait, do Rossetti!

Me:

YES, YES I KNOW YOUR PHALLUS IS EVERYWHERE BUT MUST YOU BE SO WORRIED ABOUT IT IN EVERY POEM? MY DEAR FELLOW, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GUILT YOUR MOTHER INTO THINKING SHE DIDN'T PRAISE IT ENOUGH

To Matthew Arnold -- YES I KNOW THOSE COMMON PEOPLE WITH THEIR HANKIES AND HANDS AND COLDS ARE INFECTING ANARCHY, BUT COULDN'T YOU WRITE YOUR ESSAYS AFTER YOU'VE FUCKED MARGUERITE? YOU WOULDN'T BE NEARLY AS JUMPY IN EVERY LINE

Him:

Y E S

And since I am about to read Plath, do Ted!

Me:

To Ted Hughes -- I UNDERSTAND FROM PLATH YOUR, ERM, MEMBER WASN'T GOOD. TOUGH BREAK, BRO

To Keats -- YES WE KNOW IT'S A GRECIAN URN, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SEES PEOPLE DANCING IN IT. TIME TO PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE DEAR

and Nietzsche -- YES I KNOW GOD IS DEAD, BUT DEAR GOD, MAN USE FULL STOP ONCE IN A WHILE.

sexgenderbody

There is no "should"

Dead white poets and their ishs