How sweet! He’s not looking for sex until date 4 or 5!
Every once in a while you get that incredibly inappropriate, amazingly self-important, overly confident, HILARIOUS e-mail. Here’s an OKCupid message I received one lovely April day:
Subj: You’re the diamond in the rough!
I’m in awe! I finally found someone with a great view of life. I am precisely interested in relationships that are culturally affirming—including supporting bisexuality, etc. That’s why I choose a rewarding and liberal career. I am a social worker. I’d like to sit down with you and have a conversation. I am sure that it would be incredibly enlightening. Game?
Okay, so it doesn’t seem bad at first. But this is a form letter. I can smell them a mile away. The red flag is, of course, his throwaway comment about bisexuality—which he thinks he is sending to a bi woman since I have no choice but to identify that way on the site due to there being no drop-down asexual category. The rest of the message just rambles for a while about himself, trying to sound smart. So I wrote him this:
Hmm. Well thanks for the message, though I’m honestly not quite sure what to say in response. I’m glad you think my view of life is great, but I’d be gladder if I knew more about what aspect of it you’re referring to. You mention “supporting bisexuality” rather specifically in an otherwise unspecific paragraph of introduction (which puzzles me since it doesn’t have anything to do with me).
And then finally you invite me to a conversation but haven’t given me much to work with here. Believe me when I say I’m all for “enlightening” conversations, but they usually start based on common interests, and I’d love to know more about what those are if we’re gonna talk about ‘em. You can start anywhere you like, and assuming the conversation takes on a life of its own, you certainly don’t need permission to talk to me!
Now here’s where it got hilarious. Watch as he shows off all his sophisticated understanding of WOMEN, insults my intelligence by pretending to compliment it, and tries to tell me what I’m attracted to.
You like debate! I want to tie you up and tickle your feet…ha! Let’s see…how can I approach this without turning you off..(thinking to myself). Okay, I will be completely honest. I am not looking for sex until date 4 or 5. Then, we would have to talk frankly about issues such as contraception, etc. Well, that’s probably a common statement you’ve heard as a woman and you are looking for uncommon. However, let me emphasize that it is true for me. I don’t want to fake sophistication here. Think in terms of humanity. That is, every human being has basic needs, including the need for food, shelter and clothing. I want to journey with you as we meet those needs. I am careful to call on occassion. I value me independence. I’ve dated free-spirited women before, and I have an idea of how to approach you. Am I assuming too much? If I don’t equivocate, you’ll argue the other side. If I equivocate it is at the risk of being called indecisive. The possibilities are endless. I know what turns you on is having possibilities…now, I am drawn to you because of your mind. You think outside of the box and like to push the envelope a bit. I like it and want a piece of you. Thoughts?
Well, I’m sure he thought he would blow my mind with his amazing sensitivity and experience, and that I would be impressed by how he KNOWS WHAT TURNS ME ON. Wow, he knows exactly what I’m thinking! He knows how much I love to push the envelope and think outside the box! And yet he’s saying these things to a person whose intelligence he’s complimenting while trying to b.s. his messages to me like he’s writing a book report on a book we both know he didn’t read!
No assumptions are necessary when I lay out everything in my profile very well.
No, I am not expressing that I “like debate.” I’m no fan of arguing just to argue. And I don’t think that I have a whole lot to say to someone who is coming from the direction you are. You’re trying to figure out how to not turn me off, but manage to say the most inappropriate things possible? You’re trying to avoid faking sophistication, but apparently haven’t processed anything I said about myself? You’re arranging your approach toward “a free-spirited woman like me” based on your dating experience? And then you finish it off by saying something you “know” about what turns me on?
How about instead of strategizing and calculating your approach like I’m a game of chess instead of another person, you just read my profile and operate as if everything I said there is true?
I’m not sure if anything you’ve said is offensive because it’s just so damn bizarre and off-base that I don’t even know whether to take it seriously. It really is that amazingly off in left field.
Just in case you actually don’t get what I’m talking about (despite my being excruciatingly specific in my profile), I am not here for dating anyone, I am not looking for a partner of any kind, I am not interested in someone who thinks it’s cute to tell a stranger they want to tie them up and tickle their feet, and I don’t intend to have sex with anyone ever. Was I unclear?
His response, while hilarious, was brief:
Lots of anger…you need to tie me up….ha! I will kiss your feet if you wish…plus I might enjoy.
No thanks. I don’t really have much anger, though there’s some frustration when people aren’t listening to a word I’ve said. You have fun with your games now… .
And I blocked him.