A continuation of thoughts about my partner.
Yesterday I posted this post: http://sorrowsongs.tumblr.com/post/27070494051/my-cis-male-partner-is-a-true-ally, and I wanted to write a bit more on that subject.
My partner (here called M) and I have been together for over a year now. I can honestly say that now that i’ve been with him, I know what it is to be completely and utterly accepted by another human being. M and I love each other because of our “flaws and oddities” and not in spite of them.
It’s a crucial difference that was missing when I dated cis-men in the past. Cis men always “accepted” (or at the very least, pretended to accept) my feminism and gender differences, but when it came down to an argument they used the same tactics to put women down that most men do. Mansplaining abound, but not with M. One of the things he likes to tell people is that I taught him so much about gender, feminism, and sexual power, and that I am one of the most intelligent people he knows. This is special because most of my former boyfriends used to argue with me about these issues (which is fine) and would put me down for disagreeing with them (not fine). M, on the other hand, will admit when he doesn’t know something and never attempts to mansplain. Instead, he asks questions and tries to learn as much as possible so he can be a good ally and partner. That’s why he’s one of the most special people I’ve ever met. Instead of loving me despite my flaws, M loves me because of those things. He accepts and even celebrates the fact that I am different. As a disabled woman, I get a lot of people telling me how I should feel about my disability, and how I should just “try harder” or “not let the pain rule my life” or even “do some stretches!” You have NO idea how much that last one pisses me off. Something like:
But M never does that. If I have a day with a lot of pain, he reminds me that I should take it easy and not push myself. He reminds me to listen to my body and accept my limitations rather than hurting myself, which is really hard for me. I’m still learning to live with my disability. Instead of being pissed off if we can’t do something we planned, he changes plans to accommodate my disability. In other words, he goes above and beyond “basic human kindness” and into “awesome partner who I’m lucky to have in my life” status on a regular basis. When he reads this, his reaction will be something like, “Aww, Bell (he calls me bell), I don’t deserve this! You are much better to me than I am to you!” But that’s really the point of this— that his goodness and love comes without expected return. It’s given freely, and that’s what makes me feel so wonderfully loved.
I want everyone to be able to experience the feeling of validation that he gives me because it is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever felt. Obviously you don’t need someone else to be complete. I am complete without him, and we complement each other rather than complete each other. If you don’t want a partner you shouldn’t have one! It’s more than fine to be single and to love being single. It took me, however, 23 years to find a person like M. I want everyone to have that in their lives who desires it.