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Posts tagged "asexuality"


I think the first time I came out to someone it was when a friend of mine had come out to everyone as gay and another friend of mine said “But I’ve never seen him interested in anyone, I think he’s just asexual”, and I said “Like me!”, and she gave me an assessing look, nodded and said “Yeah, like you.” No muss, no fuss. I firmly believe that this confidence in my own identity and everyone else accepting it as a valid option came from everyone where I live knowing what it was (which I’ve still not figured out why that is, but I’m grateful for it). Asexuality is becoming more visible and more known year by year so hopefully this will be a more common experience in the future.

Another coming-out experience I had was when I went off to university - and I was quite nervous, because I knew absolutely no-one there and I was far from home. I decided to just get it over and done with the first time I went out with the drama society I’d joined, but do you know what everyone’s reaction was? “Oh, same as ___ then, he was telling us about it yesterday.” He wasn’t even the only other asexual that ended up being in the drama club - another girl joined a year later who had a girlfriend AND a boyfriend, but was (a biromantic/polyamorous) asexual, and I also met the asexual friend of someone who came to see our shows. We’re out there, and the more asexuals there are that are happy to be out the more you’ll meet, which again WILL happen as society becomes more accepting.

submitted by thelastoftheredhotswamis

(via vaginismusandsexuality)


Asexuality is real. It has been for quite a while actually…


Hey anyone here asexual, I think I maybe somewhere on the spectrum and I need a little advice or someone to talk to :)


In response to the FCKH8, I thought I’d make my own shirts that include asexuality and pansexuality, along with the others.

And if you don’t see the sexuality you don’t identify as, feel free to leave me a message and I’ll make you one.

Buy here (x)


I am a person in a sexually mixed relationship. He is asexual and sex-phobic, I am not. I’ve decided to start a blog dedicated to working through our issues. Anyone else out there wanna holla at me?


By request, here is a text post version of my list of scientific research related to asexuality.  I’m putting it under a cut so that I can keep it up-to-date as I find and read more articles.


Read More

Our understanding of love and romance is changing, and as it does, our understanding of what makes a happy relationship is changing too. People are becoming more open to the idea of alternate forms of romantic relationships, and given good communication and open hearts and minds, people who care about each other can find ways to express that affection in ways that both of them desire.

Second, the happiness of an asexual person is not dependent on sex or on whether or not they’re in a relationship. What makes an asexual person happy is unique to them and them alone. They may be happiest when they’re single, or have a few very close friends, or have a platonic partner. Their happiness might depend on how many house plants they own, or the time they spend reading books, or the work they do at their job.

While the thought that not wanting sex may mean you’ll be alone for the rest of your life may be daunting and often terrifying, it is not true. There is always love and affection to be found in this world, and only you can decide in what form you wish to seek it.


submitted by anonymous:

My story begins in third grade. Our basement was still unfinished, and my parents kept their old college textbooks downstairs with the rest of the things we had stored there. The kids (well, mostly the oldest two — my younger brother and I) loved playing down there. It was kinda dark and spooky, because the lightbulbs sometimes burned out and there were spiders and there wasn’t any carpet, just bare concrete. One of our favourite things to do was dash through the skeletons of walls and pretend we were superheroes. We also frequented the sometimes-functional computer and made crap on MS Paint. There was even a bed, and sometimes I “slept over” in it. (Funnily enough, when we actually finished the basement, my bedroom was built in the area where that bed had been.)
One day, I discovered the greatest thing ever: a bookshelf full of books I hadn’t read yet! And the best part was that they weren’t written for kids my age — their topics were interesting and their pages were full of advanced words. The plain grey cover of one had a single intriguing word written on it: Psychology. I’d heard the word before, but only in the context of “reverse psychology.” I took the relatively heavy book over to the bed, stood on the mattress to reach the chain to turn on the light, and plopped down for a good read.
There were many things I discovered. (Seriously, psychology is great.) One thing I immediately took issue with, though, was the concept of “penis envy.” As the oldest of four, and with a new baby boy having arrived only months before, I was well aware of what boys kept in their diapers and undies, and I knew I didn’t want to deal with any of that troublesome business. I didn’t have anything against penises, but I knew that I was a girl and didn’t need or want one. How could an old guy know what little girls wanted, anyway?
I didn’t take as much issue at the time with the rest of his theory of psychosexual development. For those of you unfamiliar with Freud’s lovely theories, he proposed that there were four main stages of life, and these were based on the main source of sexual pleasure: the oral stage, the anal stage, the phallic stage (this is where the whole “penis envy” BS supposedly happens, because we all know penises are supremely important, right?), and the genital stage. According to Freud, we first take pleasure in putting things in our mouths, then in holding in our crap, then in worshipping The Almighty Penis. After this there’s a “latent period” for a few years, and this lasts until puberty, at which point we become sex-crazed maniacs obsessed with our genitals. Since I was eight, I felt it was reasonable to assume I was cruising through the latent period.
Let’s flash forward to my fourteen-year-old self. I was glancing through the psychology book again and came to the bit about psychosexual development. Now, I was a late bloomer, puberty-wise. Several months after my fourteenth birthday, I had hardly any pubic (or underarm) hair to speak of, hadn’t yet reached menarche, and had donned a training bra for the first time only weeks before. (It would be nearly a year before I graduated to A-cups, and at eighteen, I’ve grown from 32A to 36A.) I again “self-diagnosed” as being near the end of the latent period, and I assumed any day now I’d start thinking about sex as something I actually wanted to do, as opposed to something that really only seemed to be useful for making babies.
I was sixteen, and I was having a great time at girls’ camp. It was after sundown, and some girls from another tent had come in to chat with the girls in my tent. Since I went to a different school than everyone else in the tent, I was mostly excluded from the conversation when the topic turned to boys everyone knew. I listened in silence as every other girl in the tent described crush after crush. I knew what crushes were like — I went through nearly one a school year. But none of them would recognise the names I mentioned, so I didn’t even bother. And then the topic turned to kissing. I was astonished at how many of my peers had kissed — I hadn’t even considered kissing any of the boys I’d liked. A lull in the conversation came soon enough, and one girl spoke up:
“Imagine your crush or boyfriend…”
She paused for effect.
“… and now imagine making out with him!”
The entire tent erupted in giggles and oohs and even a few groans of pleasure. Everyone began talking over each other as they described how much they’d enjoy that.
And over in the corner of the tent, I nearly gagged.
I still remember solo time the next day. I furiously scribbled away in my journal about how excluded, how different, how… slow I felt. I was early at everything! I learned how to read first, I picked up information more quickly than everyone else, and heck, I skipped a year of math because I already knew everything on the pretest! I was used to my body being slow — I was never athletic, and as I’ve mentioned already, I was pretty late to the puberty party — but I’d never imagined my brain being slow! I didn’t use those words at the time, but now I see that was the brokenness many asexuals feel before they learn they’re not the only ones.
I was seventeen, and I was Skyping some friends. It was TMI Tuesday, and I felt slightly frustrated that I couldn’t provide satisfactory answers to questions such as “boobs or butts?” and “what gets you hot and bothered?” (Well, maybe they didn’t use the *exact* phrase “hot and bothered,” but the meaning’s clear enough, right?) Everyone accused me of holding back, of being too embarrassed to answer, but the truth was that I’d never considered those things. The topic turned to masturbation, and though I had occasionally explored myself with my fingers, I’d never derived much pleasure from it. Someone recommended thinking about something sexy, but… well, nothing really came to mind, and even when I pictured people having sex, it didn’t help. Eventually, I was able to orgasm, and while that was great, I was left with a sense of “why bother finding someone else when you can do it yourself?”
Another day, another chat. About half the members of this chat were, apparently, ridiculously horny. Curiously, I asked what that was like, confessing I didn’t think I’d felt it before. They described it, and… yeah, I hadn’t felt it before.
Senior year started, and with it came a short-lived (like, maybe three weeks) crush. On a female teacher. I told myself it was different, and called it a lady crush. It went away quickly, mostly because the teacher is married with two adorable little daughters.
During Christmas break, I developed one of those “fictional character” crushes on a girl. Again, I told myself this was different, but at least the reason it was different was because, you know, she didn’t exist.
I’m not sure why it took me so long to find the Asexuality Archive, and why it took me so long after that to actually read the articles about how “you might be asexual if…”, because once I did, it clicked. I was so excited to have finally realised this, I told everyone — friends, my siblings, my mom. I still haven’t come out to my dad, and I don’t really plan to. I’m not as close to him as I am to my mom. Heck, I didn’t even tell my mom or siblings my romantic orientation! (I’m pan, if you want to know.)
I still want kids, and I still want to get married to someone whom I’m romantically attracted to. For the longest time, I thought ace people were all aromantic and sex-repulsed, and that kept me from identifying as asexual. I’m so glad to have had the doors to the wonderful world of asexuality opened to me.


Hey Beautifuls! If you’re in the Philadelphia Area Join the  Aces of Philadelphia facebook group!

We’ll be organizing meetups and events to take place this summer!

Aces of Philadelphia FB Group Link


submitted by anonymous:

Looking back on my childhood, I think it should’ve been obvious that I was asexual. Had I myself known about it I think I would’ve identified as such much earlier too. I mean, sure, not every girl is going to be boy crazy. But most girls have had a crush, if not on a boy they know then a celebrity at least. Me? Not so much. This only became an issue or “oddity”, when I was around eleven. I had recently cut my hair very short and had always dressed like a tomboy. My appearance coupled with my lack of interest in boys made those around me make the assumption that I was a lesbian. Because why else would a girl have short hair, only wear boyish clothes, and not chase boys? Obviously she must like girls! ( despite the fact that I never showed any interest in girls either). It was a confusing time for me, it seemed like something was wrong with me. My mom would ask me if I liked any boys, I would say no. When other girls at school would pick on me for having “nobody to love”, I would complain to my mom about it. I just didn’t understand why that was so important, I would say “I’m eleven, why do I have to care about kissing?!” She asked me once “Well, why don’t you just tell them you think a celebrity is hot?”. I went silent. I dug into the deepest regions of my mind, trying to come up with one male celebrity I thought was “hot”. She looked at me “Just think of one celebrity, one”. “I can’t, I don’t think anybody is hot”, she thought I was kidding. She sighed “Just say, whenever you’re asked who you like, ‘Orlando Bloom’!”
I’ve never said that.
Over the years, I would have discussions of boys with my mother. She would ask me again and again “Don’t you like anybody? Boys?… Girls?”. I could honestly tell her “No”. Though, I realized in my late teens that I did find both genders aesthetically attractive. I just didn’t know what to make of it, I tried to come out as bisexual at age fourteen, but that didn’t really work out. My mom sorta drilled me with questions like “Have you kissed other girls/thought of kissing other girls/have any girls you want to kiss!?”. Since “No”, was the answer to each I decided I couldn’t be… Even though the answer would’ve still been “No”, if those questions were about boys. When I was eighteen I discovered an alternate definition of the word “asexual”. I didn’t think much of it at first. Thought it sounded familiar, but didn’t think it fit me. Most descriptions of an asexual person seemed robotic, made them sound like they couldn’t love. A year later I decided to look deeper. I read posts from other asexual people and found myself really identifying with them. When I found out what a biromantic asexual was, I felt like I finally found myself. I saw that there was nothing wrong with me, I didn’t have to prove anything, no judgement. For the first time, in many years, I felt like I really belonged somewhere.


This is a question/simple misunderstanding:

“Hey, I’ve never heard the term asexual applied to people before. What do you guys mean by that?”

This is people being assholes:

“It bothers me that you use the word asexual.”

“I hate that you use the word asexual.”

“I find the fact that you use the word asexual frustrating.”

Nobody will take you seriously if you use the word asexual.”

“I refuse to understand that you guys use the word asexual in some other way than the definition I learned in biology class.”

Notice the difference?


This isn’t an exclusively-asexual thing. Pretty much everybody who isn’t a heterosexual, cisgendered individual has heard this. Hell, pretty much everybody who isn’t a carbon copy of their surroundings has heard this. Girls with pink hair, guys who wanna try out Satanism, ladies who were born dudes, dudes who like other dudes, girls with nose piercings and guys who don’t eat meat.

No matter what, people who don’t understand your beliefs, interests and personal viewpoint are going to suggest that it’s ‘just a phase’.

Something even scarier is the fact that a lot of outside-the-norm individuals have started saying that about other outside-the-norm individuals. The ‘it’s just a phase’ argument isn’t just coming from the outside anymore, it’s coming from the inside, and that’s definitely gonna create some problems down the road.

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A lot of people have mixed feelings about Laci Green, but I think that she’s providing extremely important information and help for people who can’t or won’t seek out this information in their own communities. I wish that I’d had somebody like her when I was a kid.

Anyway, this is her video on asexuality. She interviews David Jay, who most of us already know as AVEN’s trusty webmaster. But what really makes me giggle with joy are some of the comments on this video:

OMYGOD I THOUGHT I WAS A FREAK. thats why i was never sexually arroused by anyone, thats why i never felt the need or the desires everyone talks about. i thought there was something wrong with me. i thought i was bi because i didnt see the difference between the genders. i guess im an asexual pamsexual cause all i want to do is cuddle :3” 

same here! so happy i’m not alone in not feeling the need to have sex, but do get aroused now and then”

me too! i never related when people talked about sex being a basic “need” for humans like food and water. it’s so not at that level for me!”

And although yeah, there are still some assholey and trollish comments on the video (It’s YouTube, what do you expect?), comments like these are what makes me want to do this kind of thing in the first place! It’s great that she’s helping people realize they’re not alone and still totally normal.