I’m just now starting to associate the word dysphoria with the feelings I’ve had about my body my whole life. Or at least since puberty hit and changed my world. I can remember being in daycare and wanting to run around without my shirt on like the rest of the boys, not understanding why I couldn’t. Then puberty struck, and I became so confused. So full of self-loathing. I hated my body. I still do. My reflection and I have a hate-hate relationship. I hate it, and it hates me. If I could see ME in that reflection, I would see a flat muscular chest and the correct genatalia. I would see someone who has facial hair and long sideburns. Instead, what I see is a constant reminder that something went wrong en utero.
Some days binding helps. It does make me feel better. But I still see the lump on my chest. I still know that I am noticeably female. Binding doesn’t erase my chest. It doesn’t erase the feeling that my insides don’t match my outsides. My t-shirts fit better, but not like they will after I have surgery. For me that’s the ultimate goal. The surgery will free me, as well as testosterone. I really look forward to those days. Days where I can just throw in a t-shirt, without having to yank on a binder that’s going to cut into my skin, and make breathing a bit more difficult. I won’t have to worry if my breasts are coming out the top. The days where I’ll officially be Aaron Ryan, another dude, just like the rest of them.
So this dysphoria, this feeling of some cosmic mix-up, this is my journey. Join me. Feel free to hit me up with questions, or words of support.
Genderqueer 30 Day Challenge- Day 5
You can find the original challenge here
5) Dysphoria and how you manage it.
I’m not sure I even experience dysphoria. I do have a deep yearning to have a penis, but I am okay with the bits and parts that I do have. Some days I bind because I feel more like a dude, but I don’t wish that my breasts would just go away completely forever. It would be really nice to be able to wake up, decide what parts I want for that day, and go from there. But as far as managing my wish for different parts, I pretty much just accept that it isn’t going to happen for me.