sexgenderbody

An Inexperienced submissive Learns About Abuse

her-royal-blueness:

I have read on tumblr, fetlife, etc. about how common it is for physical abuse to occur with a new sub by the hand of a Dominant.   There are warnings of all kind, mostly along the lines of: 

—Get a reference from the Dom before you meet, and actually call that past sub and check that reference. 

—Check ID before you meet privately with him. 

—Let someone know where you are when you meet with him and check in with that person regularly. 

These are preventative measures (among many) that we submissives use to reduce the chance of physical abuse.  Because once you’re tied up and gagged, your power is gone, and anything can be done to you without your permission.

What I hear little of is other abuse that goes on.  The less obvious, but more emotional damage that can occur when a Dominant abuses the D/s bond and intense trust that is required to play the way we play. 

Most of you know that I am submissive.  I am a newly out submissive.  I have had only one in-person (not online) D/s relationship, and I broke it off with him a little over a month ago.  I met him on tumblr.  We followed each other, and hit it off right away.  I lived about three hours from him, so by the time we talked on the phone, it was clear that we were discussing a future that involved us meeting.

I was very green, and looking back, he did many proper things to garner my trust:  ——He told me in detail about his past subs, his many years of experience. 

—He told me I could call one of those subs for a reference (I didn’t take him up on his offer). 

—He had me fill out an extensive BDSM checklist that gauged my interest in different kinks.  Then we talked about my list, went over questions that I had (there was a lot that I wasn’t familiar with) and discussed what we had in common. 

He, in turn, filled out the checklist as well and shared it with me.  We talked often, and each time, he was open and honest.  He didn’t try to lure me in; he waited for me to become more curious, and eventually I told him I would like to meet with him.  He asked that when we meet, I provide a list of things I’d like to us to accomplish during my time with him as his sub.

My last goal, among serious ones such as wanting to test my pain threshold and it’s connection to my sex drive, was a joke for him:  I was in a vulnerable place, and I didn’t want to fall in love with him (he had told me his last sub fell for him, and since he was in a fulfilling ‘open’ marriage, he wasn’t going leave his wife).  We even agreed we could play with a few other people online so as to keep more boundaries in place for us to not fall for each other.

He had me meet at one of his rented offices.  He told me how to dress, and he, too dressed the part:  Nice suit, power tie.  I was so nervous I was shaking a little bit.  He thought it was endearing.  We eventually went to a hotel.

My first experience was…life changing.  I was interrogated, man-handled, forced to pleasure him in ways I’d always dreamed of.  I completely lost track of time; we were at the hotel for at least 4 hours, fucking over and over the whole time.  I left with bite marks, whip marks, bruises, and the biggest perma-grin I’d ever had.

But after that, all the communication we had set up seemed to drop off.  I rarely heard from him, unless it was to set up another meeting.  I felt disconnected and sad.  I talked to him about it, and he said he’d work on it, but his business kept him very busy.

The next time we met was different.  Playtime was still mind-blowing, cathartic even.  But he drank a lot, and he took my pain testing to the next level far beyond what I was ready for:  He interrogated me on who I fucked online, wanted their screen names, their real names, ages, details.  I was initially surprised, because we agreed it was okay to play online, but now he seemed angry and serious.  He whipped me over and over again, telling me that I was his.  I was in so much pain that I started crying uncontrollably, so he started after-care, told me it was over and that the punishment was done.  He caressed me, whispered how much he wanted me, told me he would collar me next time and to prepare for it, to stop playing online, to only talk to other men after I’ve gotten permission from him.  I was a little confused, but had been so thoroughly entrenched in sub-space that I went with it.  He walked me to the shower, turned the hot water on, whispered again how it was over, and had me warm up in it by myself.

Then, strangely, he left, came back and told me (in his Dom voice) that I was to turn around, put my hands palms up above me on the shower tiles, and face the wall.   The he whipped me, over and over again, while I asked him repeatedly what I’d done wrong.  He said it was punishment for playing (again) and whipped me until I was sobbing, begging him to stop and telling him I didn’t understand.  Eventually he did stop, looked at me and told me I was in ‘sub drop’ (I told him I had no idea what that was), started after-care again and told me I just needed proper training.  I bawled in his arms for what seemed like forever. 

A little while later before I left, he told me he never played online, only I did, and he wanted it to stop.  He only mentored women online.  Never played with them.  I was still so confused and an emotional wreck. 

He continued his pattern of ignoring me in between our meetings, but he’d shower me with attention when we did meet.  Every time, he told me he would collar me.  Every time he didn’t.  He told me he wanted us to be together forever.  He told me eventually I would be his slave to his Master.  I continued to tell him I needed more of a connection from him.  I needed to not just be his play partner.  He’d apologize and say he’d work on it.  It never got better.   I was confused and hurt.  I never understood his hot and cold behaviors.  I eventually broke it off with him, but I almost felt like he had pushed me to break up with him, so that he didn’t have to break up with me.

It’s been (like I said) about a month and a half.  Since then a woman contacted me.  She was fishing (I thought) for information about our mutual fetlife friend.  Eventually she told me our mutual friend, my ex-Dom, was pursuing her to be her online Daddy Dom (he had mocked me when we broke up, saying I probably needed a Daddy Dom to take care of me, since I needed so much communication).  I told her he wasn’t my ex, but that he’s really nice and she would probably be happy with him.  Then, because I knew he valued his privacy (he never talked about me on his blog.  Once I became his sub, he never liked or re-blogged my posts.  He wouldn’t connect me as his on fetlife, and he only let me change my fetlife status to ‘under protection’ of him.  Of course he never changed his fetlife status), I notified him that someone he was pursuing was fishing for info from me, and that I told her we weren’t connected at all.   

A week later, one of the girls he told me he was ‘mentoring’ flew out to meet him.  Now, I know I was stupid here, for I knew of her blog:  She liked and re-blogged nearly everything of his on tumblr, and called him her Sir.  Basically her sex blog was dedicated to her Sir: him.  While we were together, I did think it was kind of odd, but I knew she was young, and I trusted him.  I just thought she had fallen for him and that, while it was probably wrong that he hadn’t discouraged her affections, I didn’t think much of it.  He had always been so open and honest with me about everything.  I’ve since found out:  He is the best liar I have ever met. 

It was now obvious to me that she was his new sub.  And that while he probably had been playing with her online while he was with me, he was definitely trying to hook up with others while he was with her.  Case in point:  I did end up messaging the girl who was fishing for info about him on fetlife.  I told her I was sorry, that the Daddy Dom she spoke of was in fact my ex, that I was trying to protect him when I shouldn’t have.  She replied back that she was shocked, for he told her he hadn’t had a submissive for over a year.  Clearly, I will never be one of the references he offers up to his new conquests.

Strangely, another woman just contacted me.  She is in love with him.  She was with him the entire time he and I were together (he had of course told me he only takes on one sub at a time) and that he cheated on her many times previously with other women.  Not only that, but she knew of other subs he had before her, and that he had cheated on those women as well.

It’s like he collects subs.  Everything, every little red flag, every little white lie, every confusion that I had about him fell into place.

As a new submissive, I’ve been trying to get out into my local community.  Meet more people like me.  Not feel so isolated.  I’ve been to a few munches, taken a few classes, even went to a BDSM women’s group.  I’ve since been able to see all the things in retrospect that I didn’t know then, but were so wrong.  The drinking was the worst.  I never saw really how much he drank, because I was usually tied up and restrained when he was drinking.   Common etiquette states that you should avoid alcohol during a scene because it can affect judgment greatly.  While it seems like common sense, I honestly didn’t connect the two.

I am a strong, intelligent woman.  He only takes on new submissives.  Why?  Because while I’m sure it’s great for him to see them grow from his hand, he can also take advantage of them more readily.  I’ve heard of over 5 women on tumblr that he has lied to and abused, one other physically like he did to me.   I’m not as young as some of them.  I’m able to see that this is not my fault, that the problem lies with him.  The younger subs he’s taken on?  I can only imagine how they’ve personalized their first D/s relationship, if they ever found out about him at all.  I’m almost positive his new submissive never knew he was with me when he was online Domming her.  And I’m definitely positive she doesn’t know he’s currently trying to hook up with other submissives and gather them to his fold. 

I wish there were more lessons I could pass on to new submissives who are coming into their own on tumblr.  What have I learned?  Well for one, there isn’t all that much I can do if someone is a damned good liar such as my ex.  Hell, he’s well known on tumblr, and many a woman thinks highly of him.  And I’m not surprised, because I felt the same.  Have I mentioned he’s the best liar I have ever met? 

1.  From now on, if a man says he is in an open relationship, I want proof.  And really:  any person in an open relationship should be able to offer that up.  I can.  Want to talk to my guy?  No problem.  The excuse that a man has a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ agreement with his wife is probably a total farce.   I feel so very bad for his wife.  Even if they do have that kind of set-up, she has no idea that he’s probably fucking many women at once, nor that he’s lying to so many at a time.  Or that he’s leaving a string of them, hurt and confused, in his wake. 

2.  If a man won’t acknowledge you on tumblr, why do you think that is?  There is no excuse, unless he’s not telling you something.  And really:  The excuse that he may lose some followers if they find out he is coupled with another, doesn’t hold water.  His first responsibility should be to his submissive, not lying to his followers.

3.  Damn, do I ever need to trust my gut more.  There were so many little things that didn’t fit with my ex’s stories.  And if I did ask him about the inconsistency, he had a ready excuse.  But I just thought:  We are adults, I’m not going to micro-manage everything he says.   And besides, he can explain everything.  But I always had small, nagging questions.  And, the irony of it all:  Once I told him that I get little nagging feelings, and brought up a question I had for him.  After his response, he told me “you should always trust your intuition.”  Indeed, I should.

So here, I am, getting involved in my local kink community, but a lonely sub without a Dom.   I’m ready for it.  I am, so long as it’s with the right person.  Until then, I’m learning from others how I can be a better sub, how I can learn the best ways to get flogged, for example.  How to use my safe-word to help my future Dom understand me better.  And I’m also learning from my community how important it is to help other subs avoid abuse, and abuse can come in many forms. 

I hope my words can help others.  Also, I hope that, should any sub have any questions after reading this (if you actually got through my novel), that they feel comfortable enough messaging me.  I’m open to conversation.  

desliz:

the thing about kinky rhetoric that really gets to me is this insistence that they can’t use standard verbal and physical signals to let up on whatever they’re doing, because let me tell you that it is perfectly possible to have kinky sex and use words and phrases like “stop”, “slow down”, “softer”, “no more” etc to manage the action. It is also entirely possible to listen to the person who is saying those things, rather than pretending everyone is incapable of controlling themselves until magical words are uttered. And, of course, just as importantly, it’s possible to recognize that third parties are under no obligation to understand what you’re doing, and if you want to avoid confusion or concern, talk in plain whatever-it-is-you-speak.

and if you’re sitting there FURIOUS because I clearly do not understand your domsubbheadspacescenemagic, I would like to say that I feel people who believe in domsubbheadspacescenemagic are indistinguishable from the more intense members of the Society for Creative Anachronism*. You can play with your friends all you like, but you can’t expect other people on the bus to respect your feudal authority. That’s just the way it is.

*don’t think the substantial overlap between these communities is coincidental, kids

Need some new blogs to follow.

ace-forte:

I’m not following enough blogs, my Dashboard is so empty so much of the time… Can anyone point me to some new blogs? I’d like that.

Things I follow:

• Asexual blogs
• Transgender (MtF specifically) blogs
• LGBT advice blogs
• A cappella blogs
• Girly subject blogs

Things I am not following but would like to follow:

• Spoiler-free Homestuck blogs
• Asexual kink/Asexual BDSM blogs
• Feel-good blogs
• Broadway blogs
• Blogs with makeup tutorials

If anyone could point me to some of those, that’s rock.

EDIT: Sorry for all the tags.

atkinswantsadick:

So, the polycule has expanded over the last month. I’m shortening everyone’s names for the sake of privacy, except my own (my privacy in this situation is unimportant to me.)

I am with S, who is engaged to D. D is also dating N and R. Recently, S and I started dating R.

I’m still unsure how I feel about R romantically - whether I view this as a secondary relationship or a potential primary relationship. I have a crush on him for sure - and a sexual connection with him. S, R and I went and got tested at the local health center (for free, no less) yesterday, and we decided to abstain from risky sexual behavior until we get the results. More people = more risk for infection because of a longer combined sexual history.

R is into heavy kink, and I am indulgent/adaptable when it comes to that, or so I’ve recently come to realize. (I used to be fulltime sub, sometimes top but still sub, but S has brought out a dominance in me I didn’t know I had, and I have a handle enough on it now that I could harness it outside our situation, I think.) It’s just that they’re kinks I’ve had little or no experience with before - CBT and heavy bondage. I’m just hoping I can satisfy his needs. I get off on others enjoying themselves, so as long as he does, I’ll be happy. I guess that makes me a “service top”?

S and I have also come to want commitment. We’re going on 5 months together now and yeah. It seems fast but for us, it’s like we finally found that puzzle piece. He’s an amazing primary and I’m glad to be a part of his life, now and always, whether as friends or as we are now.

S asked me to collar him. I was nervous at first, but now I can’t wait to have enough to purchase his collar. He’s such a good boy <3

D and S are, as they put it, “taking a step back”. From what I understand, they’re trying to give each other more time to focus on their other relationships. It made me nervous at first, but then I realized that as much as I want to be there for them, I’m not inside their relationship dynamic and I have to allow them time and space to settle things and come to their own understandings. D and I also cleared the air about a few things that had been bothering her in terms of our clashing political and ideological beliefs.

N is such a nice girl, she really is. I get along well with her - she’s funny, smart, and gets bonus points for being vegan ;D and I think she meshes with the group really well. I always get so smiley when I hear about her and D being out on a date or being mushy or having sex.

I also have feelings for someone long distance (we’ll call her T). It confuses me because I identify as gay for the most part. But I’m not closing myself off to anything based on sexual identity - I believe it’s somewhat fluid, after all.

I’ve done some distancing myself from a few things recently, just because I feel it’s healthier for me to focus on building up these new aspects of my life.

We (D, S and I) also explained our situation to our parents. It was taken quite well, surprisingly - although I can’t complain either way. =D Hoping to get to meet S’s family sometime soon. We’re thinking about traveling this summer to see them in Virginia.

I can’t think of much else to say! But yeah. Them’s the pickins.

[from Sex Geek] why rape jokes aren’t funny, even if you’re kinky

( a fantastic post from Andrea Zanin over at Sex Geek ) 

You’d think that given that kinky people are universally more enlightened about sexuality than the general population, nobody would have to explain this one. But from recent discussions I’ve seen go by online, it appears that we can throw that little “superior enlightenment” theory out the window (no big surprise there), and that a post laying out the basics of this is in order.

I will, for the curious, attempt to shoot down a few of the most common responses I’ve seen to women who’ve posted on similar topics, by means of a footnote at the end of this post. So if you are about to say “You’re just a humourless feminist,” “You’re missing the point,” “You’re just a man-hating lesbian,” or “You’re just bitter/triggered/biased because someone raped you,” or simply curious about how I’d respond to any of those dismissals, scroll down.

All righty. Moving along.

Point 1. Kinky people can be, and are, sexist. Rape jokes are one form that sexism is expressed.

Despite what the research says about how kinky guys are generally pro-feminist (see part 1 of the footnote for that), the research (at least, what little research there is) still indicates that in the public pansexual BDSM scene:

• women are more likely to identify as submissives and men are more likely to identify as dominants;
• women are generally presumed submissive and men dominant (and whether this is a cause or an effect of the first element is a question well worth debating, and one which I seldom see discussed);
• women and submissives are treated with less respect than men and dominants; and
• this disrespect generally takes forms along classically sexist, essentialist lines.

Thomas Macaulay Millar deftly links “domism,” role essentialism and sexism and sums up the key related points from two major (kink-positive) scholarly studies of the pansexual BDSM scene in this brilliant post. Please go read it, it’s really quite impressive.

In short, despite any claims to enlightenment or feminism, standard-issue sexism is still clearly present in the pansexual BDSM scene.

One of the many ways sexism plays out in the BDSM scene is rape jokes, and other kinds of all-too-common comments intended to humiliate or reduce women or submissives (because of the significant overlap, both work here) within the pansexual community but outside the context of negotiated scenes or relationships. Millar’s post quotes a few specific examples from the two studies he refers to, but you can find many more if you read either one in full. They are remarkably familiar for anyone who’s spent time in pansexual scene space.

Point 2. Rape jokes aren’t funny.

I don’t mean in that in a finger-wagging way. I just mean they aren’t actually funny. They fail to get a laugh most of the time (with some notable exceptions I detail in the next point).

You know what always kills a joke? When you have to explain it, or explain why it’s funny. I often see people trying to explain why rape jokes are funny, so that tells me right away that they pretty much aren’t. There are a few classics, like “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You have no sense of humour,” both surefire lines of defence for people who don’t know how to make good ones. And then we also have a few more righteously principled defences. One I often hear goes something like, “Well, if I can joke about murder, why not rape? Are you saying it’s okay to laugh about murder but not about rape? Do you think murder’s okay, but rape isn’t?”

I don’t know why it comes up so often, but it really does. And it’s particularly relevant because answering those questions tells us a lot about precisely why rape jokes aren’t funny.

If we look at some yummy Stats Can data, it tells us that “Police reported 605 homicides in 2006 … a rate of 1.85 homicides per 100,000 population.”

Meanwhile, also according to Stats Can, “Quantifying sexual assault continues to be a challenge, since the large majority (91%) of these crimes are not reported to police. According to self-reported victim data from the 2004 GSS on Victimization, approximately 512,200 Canadians aged 15 and older were the victims of a sexual assault in the 12 months preceding the survey. Expressed as a rate, there were 1,977 incidents of sexual assault per 100,000 population aged 15 and older reported on the 2004 GSS.”

Do we see a difference here? Fewer than two murders per 100,000; just under 2,000 sexual assaults per 100,000 and that’s only counting the 12-month period right before the survey. Let’s keep in mind that a person can be sexually assaulted numerous times in a lifetime and most of us rarely answer Stats Can surveys, whereas murders by definition happen only once and, with some notable exceptions, are pretty reliably reported, what with, y’know, dead bodies to deal with and such. I’d say the scale difference here is rather evident.

What am I getting at? Well, we—many of us, at least in non-war-torn North America—can joke about murder because we’ve never met someone who got murdered, or murdered someone, or met a murderer, or been murdered. Most of us will never encounter that reality in our entire lives, so it’s distant, and that makes it easy to be callous about, to treat as banal. I’d be willing to bet that if 2,000 out of 100,000 people had witnessed a murder in the last 12 months, we likely wouldn’t be laughing much about that either, not to mention there would be 2,000 fewer people around per year to make the jokes. Rape is a concrete reality for many of us, and it’s much harder to find anything funny about it as a result. So the comparison to murder doesn’t hold up. It’s not about one being more right than the other, or more PC. It’s just about how difficult it is to find humour in serious trauma that directly affects many of us all the time.

When people are challenged about making rape jokes, I also hear a lot of them cry “censorship,” start talking about the PC police, or beat the tired old argument that we should be allowed to discuss anything we want within the realm of kink because it’s supposed to be this safe place where anything goes as long as it’s consensual. And y’know, far be it from me to tell you what you can and can’t talk about, unless of course I’m moderating the group, in which case I’d be well within my rights to shut down inappropriate topics as outlined in the rules.

But will I tell you what I think you should and shouldn’t talk about or say? Hell yeah. For instance I think you shouldn’t use racist terminology, make fun of fat people, joke about people with disabilities, or sling around homophobic slurs. Challenging people—kindly, without personal attack, and with the benefit of the doubt, until such benefit is clearly no longer warranted—when they’re being douchebags is itself dialogue, not censorship; it is a really valuable form of activism. It contributes to creating a group climate where dissent is an option, where people have the opportunity to learn about what hurts and marginalizes people who aren’t like them, where people outside a narrow range are more likely to feel welcome and included (and then everyone gets laid more). Who said it’s okay to make some people feel rotten (by making rape jokes) but not to make others feel rotten (by calling out bullshit)? I’d say it’s pretty even as far as deals go, though if I had to pick whose feelings I’m more concerned about, I’d definitely be more likely to worry about those of a possible rape survivor than those of a guy who wants to make a tasteless joke. I know, that privilege is a hard thing to look at, but really, guy, you need to get over it. I’m not much one for playing the Oppression Olympics, but for what it’s worth, on the scale of oppression, you lose.

Does that mean we shouldn’t talk about rape fantasies in the context of kink? Nope. I think we should talk about them as much as we like. It’s a helluva charged-up topic for all kinds of good reasons and that makes it well worth discussing. But talking about our individual kinks is not the same as joking about what person we’d really like to rape, how much so-and-so really needs to get raped, how rape is probably the only sex so-and-so gets, or any other similarly stupid, boring tripe. These things are not thoughtful discussion, exploration of a taboo kink, genuine engagement with an edgy form of fantasy or play. There is a world of difference between saying “I fantasize about doing a rape scene” or “my partner wants to do a rape scene and I’m not sure how” and “Jill really needs to get raped in a back alley, haha!” If you’re not enough of a grown-up to be able to tell the difference, you probably shouldn’t be playing this game at all.

We could get into a big debate here about how things are different if a woman, and not a man, makes the joke, or laughs at it, or if the joke is about a female rapist, or a male victim, and so on, and so forth. I’m not really interested in debating it much though. Sure, it might be different on some level, as many things are depending on who’s saying them. Okay. Fair enough. It’s still not particularly funny to make a rape joke. It might be less directly reflective of the reality of rape out there in the world, but really, does that make it therefore hilarious and/or justifiable? Seems to me it simply creates an environment that makes it acceptable for people who are not in these “more justifiable” categories to also make rape jokes. And really? Meh. I can think of better things to stand up for than my right to make unfunny jokes about my own possible sexual assault perpetration or victimization. They’re a bit clunky, and they still play into the fact that…

Point 3. Rape jokes directly support and encourage rapists.

For this one, I’ll refer you to yet another brilliant post, this one by Organon.

Here’s a quote that sums up the post:

“6% of college-aged men, slightly over 1 in 20, will admit to raping someone in anonymous surveys, as long as the word “rape” isn’t used in the description of the act—and that’s the conservative estimate. Other sources double that number.

“A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists?

“Rapists do.

“They really do. In psychological study, the profiling, the studies, it comes out again and again.

“Virtually all rapists genuinely believe that all men rape, and other men just keep it hushed up better. And more, these people who really are rapists are constantly reaffirmed in their belief about the rest of mankind being rapists like them by things like rape jokes, that dismiss and normalize the idea of rape.”

So basically, if you make a rape joke, casually banter about doing non-consensual things to that hot woman or submissive over there, or treat rape as though it were something banal and normal and nothing to get terribly upset about, well then sure, you might be triggering the one in four women sitting nearby who’s been raped. And sure, you’re making yourself look like a complete douchebag (no, sadly, you don’t come off as a super-sexy “edgy” kind of kinkster, despite how desperately you might like to—if you are that edgy, surely you can come up with a more creative strategy). But mostly, what you’re doing is inviting the one guy of the proverbial twenty, who is also sitting nearby, to rape someone, quite possibly someone in that same room. Because he doesn’t think you’re joking. He thinks you’re completely serious, and that it’s completely okay to do that.

And you know what? Even if you’re not sitting near that one-in-twenty guy? The women sitting nearby? They might think you, yourself, are that one guy in twenty who might actually rape them, given the chance, considering how completely blasé you’re being about the topic.

And even worse? Maybe you actually are that guy. You sure do exhibit all the signs. Really you’re kinda advertising it, wouldn’t you say? This, right here, is about the only reason I can think of why you might want to continue making rape jokes, or laughing at them—at least now your targets can see you. So if you are that one in twenty, please, make all the rape jokes you want. Because if all the non-rapists in the room stop making them, and stop laughing at them, but you keep right on keeping on, then we’ll know exactly who to avoid. In the meantime, there’s a degree of mistrust that sorta has to be extended to everyone, because it’s sometimes hard to tell which one of every twenty is the one-in-twenty who’s truly dangerous.

And with that in mind…

Point 4. The BDSM community does not keep anyone safe from rape.

The research doesn’t talk specifically about the BDSM community on this point, but the statement applies there as much as anywhere else. In fact, no community, network, or set of trusted friends and acquaintances keeps anyone safe from rape. Why? Because 70% of rapes are committed by someone who knows the victim.

That figure, or higher, is repeated all over the place—the Toronto Police Service, the Rape Victims Support Network, Victims of Violence (with research funded by the Department of Justice Canada), and even good ol’Stats Canada.

Some of those perpetrators are relatives, colleagues or neighbours. And some of them are friends and acquaintances. In other words, even if we drop all the husbands, boyfriends, dads, work colleagues and so forth from the list and focus exclusively on the “other acquaintances” category, the simple fact of knowing people—like, say, from attending the same munch a few times or seeing each other at the occasional play party—is no guarantee of protection. Quite the reverse. The people habitually found in a given social setting are the ones most likely to rape the other people in that same social setting.

So please, let’s stop with the idea that we police the SM world and magically make it safe for everyone because of our focus on consent. If 19 out of 20 guys (and yes, I am focusing on guys here, because the studies above also note that around 97% of sexual assault perpetrators are male) believe in consent-only activity and practice it 100% of the time, that still leaves the one guy out of twenty who doesn’t and who is still happily ensconced within the community. And let’s recall that many of those 19, along with a few gals, may be making that one guy feel perfectly justified about what he does, because while not being rapists, they may still be helping to create an environment in which rapists can flourish, or at least get by relatively unnoticed. So if you’re one of those folks who thinks that if you say “consent” often enough, you’ve paid your dues and can now also make or laugh at a rape joke, think again. These things do not cancel each other out.

Point 5. People vastly under-report incidences of rape and sexual assault, mainly because of fear of repercussion or ostracization.

If you were an oppressed sexual minority—say, a kinkster—all your life, and you finally found a community where you could meet like-minded people, and explore this very deep and compelling part of yourself with people you find attractive, wouldn’t you want to make sure your membership in that community wasn’t jeopardized? And if that community distrusted the cops because the cops had been known to arrest them for their enjoyable consensual activity, and possibly even take away their kids or get them fired from their workplace, wouldn’t you be unlikely to bring the cops’ attention their (your) way? And if you knew that because you were a pervert, the cops might think you were really asking for it anyway (much like if you were a sex worker, or a gal with a short skirt, and so forth), wouldn’t you be less likely, in the midst of your own trauma, to risk adding the further trauma of being disbelieved and your charges dismissed? Yeah, well, layer all that on top of the existing reasons why 91% of your average not-kinky people who get sexually assaulted don’t report it to the police, and you have the perfect storm.

I don’t think we will ever know how many people get raped or sexually assaulted within the pansexual BDSM scene because those people have a whole fuckload of reasons why not to ever tell—way more so than their non-kinky counterparts.

Conclusion: Reality bites.

We can talk about consent, safewords, negotiation and safe calls, and we can trot out the existence of female dominants and male submissives all we want. None of this makes reality go away:

• The pansexual scene both displays the idea that men are in charge (dominant) and women are not (submissive) and reinforces that as a norm.
• Discourse about the proper roles of dominants (men) and submissives (women) within the pansexual scene commonly steps way outside the bounds of negotiated relationships or scenes, which is not okay.
• Rape jokes (which are not okay even outside the scene) are made within the pansexual BDSM scene directly or indirectly as part of that discourse.
• Rape jokes in any context reassure rapists that what they do is normal, okay and approved-of; in BDSM spaces, they reassure rapists that even here, regardless of a parallel “consent” discourse, rape is till okay.
• So-called community self-policing does not erase the occurrence of rape and sexual assault.
• The pansexual scene’s internal community codes as well as the pansexual community’s relationship to the dominant society may directly act as deterrents to the reporting of sexual assault, whether to the police or within the community itself.

Consider this: a rapist walks into a pansexual BDSM event. He looks around and sees that mostly, the men are dominant and the women are submissive, and there’s a whole complex language around consent. But then he also notices that people aren’t really practicing what they preach, or at least they seem to do so inconsistently, because clearly sexist dynamics are playing out outside scenes or ongoing D/s connections. And the people joke about rape in a way that makes it seem like that’s just as cool here as it is anywhere else—and not only that, but they’ve got fancy things like collars and cuffs and rope to make it all even easier! All he needs to do is learn the “in-crowd” language to avoid being easily detected. Cuz really, once he’s got that down, he’s not very likely to encounter much resistance, and even if he did, she’d never take it to the cops. And she wouldn’t risk saying anything in the community either, cuz she’d get snubbed. Sweet deal.

It’s a bit sobering, isn’t it?

And that’s why rape jokes aren’t funny, even if you’re kinky. They are only one part of a larger system in which many other things happen that are not funny, but they are also one of the easiest to simply stop. So let’s stop making them. We’re a creative, intelligent bunch, or at least we sure like to think of ourselves that way. I’m sure we can find plenty else to laughabout.

***

And here is that promised footnote on my response to classic dismissals.

1. “You’re just a humourless feminist.” Feminist? Yes, and honestly, unless you are a frothing idiot, you are too, or at the very least, you believe a lot of the same things feminists classically believe whether you label it as such or not. In fact, most kinky guys do, according tothis article by Patricia A. Cross and Kim Matheson. In their research, they found no appreciable difference between sadomasochists and non-sadomasochists in terms of their attitudes and beliefs regarding feminism. (Though it sure is interesting that their findings also indicate that, while still well within the range of pro-feminist, men in SM communities generally have a higher belief in traditional gender roles than women do, regardless of kink role.) Humourless? Well, I make no claim to stand-up comic prowess, but I think I’m pretty funny, and by all accounts most of the people I know would agree, but I guess that’s up for argument. While we’re at it, shall we debate the equally subjective notions of “attractive” or “smart”? I’ll pencil you in for that discussion sometime in 2080, ‘kay? Call me.
2. “You’re missing the point. This discussion isn’t about rape, it’s about (insert stated topic here).” If you made a rape joke, guess what? Now the discussion is about rape. Oopsie for you. Next time, stick to the topic at hand and you will not have a much-deserved shitstorm on your hands.
3. “You’re just a man-hating lesbian.” If by the word “lesbian” you mean “woman who likes to fuck women,” you’re bang-on. Mmmmwomen. But I’m not a lesbian, properly speaking, because I also have a long history of dating, playing with and fucking men, as well as trans folks who identify all along the gender spectrum, the latter of which includes my partner of five years. I suppose it is possible I could have done all that and still hated the men and other non-female-identified people I’ve been with, but that would be an awfully significant waste of time. And also? I have three brothers who are the awesomest guys in the world, so anytime I’ve been even remotely tempted to say “I hate men,” I have always caught myself, because seriously? These guys would give hope to the most man-hating of man-hating dykes. (On a side note, most dykes who don’t sleep with men don’t actually hate them. It’s more that most men are just kinda irrelevant to them, which I suspect gets some guys’ knickers in a knot way more than any actual hating would.) More important than my sexual history, though, is that I don’t really think hating anyone is the most productive of places to put my activist energy. I’d much rather invest in coalition-building and avoid grossly stereotyping groups on the basis of a single shared characteristic given that, y’know, that’s kinda what gets done to me, and I don’t like it. Also, I was born at least a decade too late to get caught up in the Sex Wars. Hello from the third wave.
4. “You’re just bitter/triggered/biased because someone raped you.” Actually, no. I’ve never been raped or sexually assaulted. I am one of those fortunate women—and how awful that one should have to be fortunate in living to their mid-thirties without being raped. Hey, I’m not saying nobody’s ever tried. If you have a spare day or two, I could list you the many, many times I’ve had guys (always guys) attempt to get me drunk, try to corner me in a room alone, or flashed me in a subway station. There’ve been so many I’ve lost count—and I’m hardly exceptional in that regard, and my stories are hardly the most dramatic. Certainly I’ve had plenty of non-consensual touch inflicted upon me, including in kink spaces. But nobody’s ever managed to get it any further than a single unwelcome move. Whether because my big bad scary dominance has given them pause, or my strategic escapes have left them in the dust, or my physical self-defense has been enough to show them there be dragons there (or just really sharp fingernails), or I’ve just been plain lucky, I don’t know, but suffice it to say I have no directly personal triggers in relation to the topic of rape. That all being said, if you’re going to disqualify someone from speaking about rape precisely because she or he has been raped, I’m seriously not impressed. If you follow that logic for a step or two, what topics of significance to you are you no longer qualified to speak about? I bet the list would get long awfully quickly, so let’s quit while we’re ahead, hmm?

A Tisket A Tangent; Kink And Rape Culture

(via The Rotound)

I was writing about new year’s resolutions, which I will totally get back to doing, I promise! But then I got all riled up about the way some people think kink is automatically, 100%, all of the time every time misogynistic and a way to perpetuate rape culture and I had to bust out my opinion on that.

Basically, I think it’s bullshit. While it is impossible to separate ourselves entirely from rape culture, given that we are steeping in it and are ourselves culturally constructed to participate in it, kink culture is in many ways an antidote – or maybe a model of how things ought to be done.

First, re: what kink is – it’s not any one thing. It encompasses sexual power dynamics and fetishes and alternatives to what dominant culture considers “the norm” when it comes to sexual practices. That means fuzzy handcuffs and spanking and that means flogging and suspension. What kink is not: any particular pairing. That is, queer sex is not automatically kinky sex. To assume such is just to exoticize queer relationships. Don’t do that.

Here is my first rule for this post: do not insult someone else’s kink. I really don’t care how weird you think it is – sexual preference is a personal thing and it isn’t a function of morality (if you want to pull up what you think are exceptions, chances are good you’re derailing, just saying) whether someone gets off on getting choked during sex. It’s okay not to understand and it’s okay to ask questions but I think it’s really not okay to act like there is something WRONG with a person just because they like a sex act you aren’t into.

So, that settled, let’s discuss this: while there will always be people, as there are in any group, who feel the rules don’t apply to them, kink culture as a general whole takes consent incredibly seriously.

My annecdata: I have been attending fetish clubs since I turned 18 and have felt far, FAR safer than I ever have in a mainstream, for example, beach club. I’ve been approached by people I’d class as “creepy”, for whatever reason, in both venues. And I know where people have taken my refusal seriously (and I do mean people, plural, because, again in my experience, there are people who have your back in alternative scene clubs way more often than there are in “normal” clubs).

For me, consent is one of the foundation issues of rape culture. I’ve got a slew of comments still in moderation, because I feel like I should address them somehow instead of just hitting them with the spam hammer, telling me that when I told my story about rape culture that I didn’t make it clear I’d said no – basically reinforcing my point that the default assumption when it comes to women is one of receptivity to sex. Ugh. I don’t know how to make my refusal to engage in penetrative sex as a rule at that time any more clear. I should not have had to issue a specific reminder during each and every sexual encounter – there was no reason to assume consent.

And yet that’s what rape culture means – that people assume consent. That’s why I’m a big proponent not just of no-means-no education but also of promoting yes-means-yes theory. Enthusiastic consent should be our standard.

I think one of the problems people outside of kink communities often have, because the perspective of an observer is so very different, is seeing the actions of kink without experiencing any of the psychology. You don’t flog someone just because they didn’t say no. You don’t act as someone’s dominant just because they didn’t say no. You don’t give someone an enema as a form of erotic play just because they didn’t say no.

Before you engage in that sort of play with people, you really have to establish that they actively want to be engaged in it. In fact, it’s often the person on the receiving end who has initiated the play in the first place.

Though I’ve dated people with kinks I didn’t share and I’ve participated because, hey, why not?

That’s worth mentioning – you don’t have to get off on wearing a prom dress and having pie smushed in your face to wear the prom dress and take the pie. If you have a real objection to it, that’s totally valid. But if you don’t, why not indulge your partner? There’s no harm in doing something specifically for the person you’re involved with.

There is something to be considered when it comes to the idea that rape culture shapes our desires. So maybe rape culture influences the desire some people feel to submit to another person. I think we can talk about that without putting all of kink under the same umbrella and without treating people who do feel that desire like they’re broken.

I’m not fat because I was abused and I’m not fat because I’m afraid of sex. In much the same way, a person who enjoys infantilazation was not necessarily abused – there’s no reason to assume such.

The biggest benefit I have personally experienced from being involved in various kink scenes is the learned ability to talk about sex with my partners. While humiliation is a kink in its own right, by and large the kink scene is about not feeling ashamed – of bodies, of desires, of whatever. That’s a pretty powerful counter to rape culture all by itself – rape culture is perpetuated through enforced shame.

When a community encourages honest communication about sexual (and otherwise) desire and focuses on consent as a vital component of relationships, that sounds way healthier to me than other models of relationships. That’s not to say that kink is a utopian wonderland where nothing ever goes wrong – but I think it’s shortsighted to say kink is automatically misogynistic. In fact, I think it’s a function of rape culture to dismiss and demean an alternative that gives people a lot more sexual agency regardless of gender and preferred power dynamic.

Going back to my own example – my established rule was no penetrative sex. In a kink context, that would be a hard boundary that would require renegotiation outside of a sexual setting before any participant could assume it no longer applied. It would not be assumed just because I had not said no yet that day that the new answer would be yes.

None of this is to imply that vanilla sex is somehow inferior, just to be plain. I actually kind of hate the artificial divide – which is dictated, as so much is, by the mainstream paradigm of acceptability. But “vanilla” and “kink” communities do seem to have different philosophical approaches which seem significant.

Can we please not fall into the trap of treating kink – which is really just sex, after all – like an enemy? Sex isn’t your enemy! Even sex you may not really understand!

And that’s my soapbox for the day! Good times, right?