An Inexperienced submissive Learns About Abuse
I have read on tumblr, fetlife, etc. about how common it is for physical abuse to occur with a new sub by the hand of a Dominant. There are warnings of all kind, mostly along the lines of:
—Get a reference from the Dom before you meet, and actually call that past sub and check that reference.
—Check ID before you meet privately with him.
—Let someone know where you are when you meet with him and check in with that person regularly.
These are preventative measures (among many) that we submissives use to reduce the chance of physical abuse. Because once you’re tied up and gagged, your power is gone, and anything can be done to you without your permission.
What I hear little of is other abuse that goes on. The less obvious, but more emotional damage that can occur when a Dominant abuses the D/s bond and intense trust that is required to play the way we play.
Most of you know that I am submissive. I am a newly out submissive. I have had only one in-person (not online) D/s relationship, and I broke it off with him a little over a month ago. I met him on tumblr. We followed each other, and hit it off right away. I lived about three hours from him, so by the time we talked on the phone, it was clear that we were discussing a future that involved us meeting.
I was very green, and looking back, he did many proper things to garner my trust: ——He told me in detail about his past subs, his many years of experience.
—He told me I could call one of those subs for a reference (I didn’t take him up on his offer).
—He had me fill out an extensive BDSM checklist that gauged my interest in different kinks. Then we talked about my list, went over questions that I had (there was a lot that I wasn’t familiar with) and discussed what we had in common.
He, in turn, filled out the checklist as well and shared it with me. We talked often, and each time, he was open and honest. He didn’t try to lure me in; he waited for me to become more curious, and eventually I told him I would like to meet with him. He asked that when we meet, I provide a list of things I’d like to us to accomplish during my time with him as his sub.
My last goal, among serious ones such as wanting to test my pain threshold and it’s connection to my sex drive, was a joke for him: I was in a vulnerable place, and I didn’t want to fall in love with him (he had told me his last sub fell for him, and since he was in a fulfilling ‘open’ marriage, he wasn’t going leave his wife). We even agreed we could play with a few other people online so as to keep more boundaries in place for us to not fall for each other.
He had me meet at one of his rented offices. He told me how to dress, and he, too dressed the part: Nice suit, power tie. I was so nervous I was shaking a little bit. He thought it was endearing. We eventually went to a hotel.
My first experience was…life changing. I was interrogated, man-handled, forced to pleasure him in ways I’d always dreamed of. I completely lost track of time; we were at the hotel for at least 4 hours, fucking over and over the whole time. I left with bite marks, whip marks, bruises, and the biggest perma-grin I’d ever had.
But after that, all the communication we had set up seemed to drop off. I rarely heard from him, unless it was to set up another meeting. I felt disconnected and sad. I talked to him about it, and he said he’d work on it, but his business kept him very busy.
The next time we met was different. Playtime was still mind-blowing, cathartic even. But he drank a lot, and he took my pain testing to the next level far beyond what I was ready for: He interrogated me on who I fucked online, wanted their screen names, their real names, ages, details. I was initially surprised, because we agreed it was okay to play online, but now he seemed angry and serious. He whipped me over and over again, telling me that I was his. I was in so much pain that I started crying uncontrollably, so he started after-care, told me it was over and that the punishment was done. He caressed me, whispered how much he wanted me, told me he would collar me next time and to prepare for it, to stop playing online, to only talk to other men after I’ve gotten permission from him. I was a little confused, but had been so thoroughly entrenched in sub-space that I went with it. He walked me to the shower, turned the hot water on, whispered again how it was over, and had me warm up in it by myself.
Then, strangely, he left, came back and told me (in his Dom voice) that I was to turn around, put my hands palms up above me on the shower tiles, and face the wall. The he whipped me, over and over again, while I asked him repeatedly what I’d done wrong. He said it was punishment for playing (again) and whipped me until I was sobbing, begging him to stop and telling him I didn’t understand. Eventually he did stop, looked at me and told me I was in ‘sub drop’ (I told him I had no idea what that was), started after-care again and told me I just needed proper training. I bawled in his arms for what seemed like forever.
A little while later before I left, he told me he never played online, only I did, and he wanted it to stop. He only mentored women online. Never played with them. I was still so confused and an emotional wreck.
He continued his pattern of ignoring me in between our meetings, but he’d shower me with attention when we did meet. Every time, he told me he would collar me. Every time he didn’t. He told me he wanted us to be together forever. He told me eventually I would be his slave to his Master. I continued to tell him I needed more of a connection from him. I needed to not just be his play partner. He’d apologize and say he’d work on it. It never got better. I was confused and hurt. I never understood his hot and cold behaviors. I eventually broke it off with him, but I almost felt like he had pushed me to break up with him, so that he didn’t have to break up with me.
It’s been (like I said) about a month and a half. Since then a woman contacted me. She was fishing (I thought) for information about our mutual fetlife friend. Eventually she told me our mutual friend, my ex-Dom, was pursuing her to be her online Daddy Dom (he had mocked me when we broke up, saying I probably needed a Daddy Dom to take care of me, since I needed so much communication). I told her he wasn’t my ex, but that he’s really nice and she would probably be happy with him. Then, because I knew he valued his privacy (he never talked about me on his blog. Once I became his sub, he never liked or re-blogged my posts. He wouldn’t connect me as his on fetlife, and he only let me change my fetlife status to ‘under protection’ of him. Of course he never changed his fetlife status), I notified him that someone he was pursuing was fishing for info from me, and that I told her we weren’t connected at all.
A week later, one of the girls he told me he was ‘mentoring’ flew out to meet him. Now, I know I was stupid here, for I knew of her blog: She liked and re-blogged nearly everything of his on tumblr, and called him her Sir. Basically her sex blog was dedicated to her Sir: him. While we were together, I did think it was kind of odd, but I knew she was young, and I trusted him. I just thought she had fallen for him and that, while it was probably wrong that he hadn’t discouraged her affections, I didn’t think much of it. He had always been so open and honest with me about everything. I’ve since found out: He is the best liar I have ever met.
It was now obvious to me that she was his new sub. And that while he probably had been playing with her online while he was with me, he was definitely trying to hook up with others while he was with her. Case in point: I did end up messaging the girl who was fishing for info about him on fetlife. I told her I was sorry, that the Daddy Dom she spoke of was in fact my ex, that I was trying to protect him when I shouldn’t have. She replied back that she was shocked, for he told her he hadn’t had a submissive for over a year. Clearly, I will never be one of the references he offers up to his new conquests.
Strangely, another woman just contacted me. She is in love with him. She was with him the entire time he and I were together (he had of course told me he only takes on one sub at a time) and that he cheated on her many times previously with other women. Not only that, but she knew of other subs he had before her, and that he had cheated on those women as well.
It’s like he collects subs. Everything, every little red flag, every little white lie, every confusion that I had about him fell into place.
As a new submissive, I’ve been trying to get out into my local community. Meet more people like me. Not feel so isolated. I’ve been to a few munches, taken a few classes, even went to a BDSM women’s group. I’ve since been able to see all the things in retrospect that I didn’t know then, but were so wrong. The drinking was the worst. I never saw really how much he drank, because I was usually tied up and restrained when he was drinking. Common etiquette states that you should avoid alcohol during a scene because it can affect judgment greatly. While it seems like common sense, I honestly didn’t connect the two.
I am a strong, intelligent woman. He only takes on new submissives. Why? Because while I’m sure it’s great for him to see them grow from his hand, he can also take advantage of them more readily. I’ve heard of over 5 women on tumblr that he has lied to and abused, one other physically like he did to me. I’m not as young as some of them. I’m able to see that this is not my fault, that the problem lies with him. The younger subs he’s taken on? I can only imagine how they’ve personalized their first D/s relationship, if they ever found out about him at all. I’m almost positive his new submissive never knew he was with me when he was online Domming her. And I’m definitely positive she doesn’t know he’s currently trying to hook up with other submissives and gather them to his fold.
I wish there were more lessons I could pass on to new submissives who are coming into their own on tumblr. What have I learned? Well for one, there isn’t all that much I can do if someone is a damned good liar such as my ex. Hell, he’s well known on tumblr, and many a woman thinks highly of him. And I’m not surprised, because I felt the same. Have I mentioned he’s the best liar I have ever met?
1. From now on, if a man says he is in an open relationship, I want proof. And really: any person in an open relationship should be able to offer that up. I can. Want to talk to my guy? No problem. The excuse that a man has a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ agreement with his wife is probably a total farce. I feel so very bad for his wife. Even if they do have that kind of set-up, she has no idea that he’s probably fucking many women at once, nor that he’s lying to so many at a time. Or that he’s leaving a string of them, hurt and confused, in his wake.
2. If a man won’t acknowledge you on tumblr, why do you think that is? There is no excuse, unless he’s not telling you something. And really: The excuse that he may lose some followers if they find out he is coupled with another, doesn’t hold water. His first responsibility should be to his submissive, not lying to his followers.
3. Damn, do I ever need to trust my gut more. There were so many little things that didn’t fit with my ex’s stories. And if I did ask him about the inconsistency, he had a ready excuse. But I just thought: We are adults, I’m not going to micro-manage everything he says. And besides, he can explain everything. But I always had small, nagging questions. And, the irony of it all: Once I told him that I get little nagging feelings, and brought up a question I had for him. After his response, he told me “you should always trust your intuition.” Indeed, I should.
So here, I am, getting involved in my local kink community, but a lonely sub without a Dom. I’m ready for it. I am, so long as it’s with the right person. Until then, I’m learning from others how I can be a better sub, how I can learn the best ways to get flogged, for example. How to use my safe-word to help my future Dom understand me better. And I’m also learning from my community how important it is to help other subs avoid abuse, and abuse can come in many forms.
I hope my words can help others. Also, I hope that, should any sub have any questions after reading this (if you actually got through my novel), that they feel comfortable enough messaging me. I’m open to conversation.
I’ve always been offended by the question “Why are you single?”
As if being single some how implies that there is something wrong with you.
Often times it is said with the intent of being a compliment, as in “you’re a great person…so why are you single?”
But it still implies that the two are mutually exclusive. You can’t be awesome and single…no no no, there has to be something wrong with the equation.
And during this 1 year hiatus, now more than ever, when I see people in love, I don’t pine for their relationship. I yearn for a relationship for me, with love like I define it, with a person who cares for me like I care about them. And that takes time. And patience. And a little bit of luck. But more often than not, just the ability to discern who deserves your love and all the things that make you special.
I am single not because I don’t want to be in a relationship, but because I want the perfect relationship for me. And until then, I’m a happy little clam, working on making me the best me I can be so that when life presents the best guy for me, I’m ready for it.
Being single doesn’t mean I’m broken. Or that I need to be fixed. Nor that there is an equation to be solved to figure out why I’m not in a relationship.
Being single means just that.
That I am single.