This slave has had a lot of thoughts going through its mind. So many that it has had trouble forming them into a journal entry. The obvious idea would be to create an omnibus entry to cover multiple topics, but those entries don’t make for good reading. This slave will try to cover the topics individually, so the reader can get an idea of what has being going on in its life.
This slave has not been honest with its family about its lifestyle. It’s not that this girl actively tries to hide its life, but it is very difficult to bring up. A slave should understand that a lie of omission is still a lie.
Last week, at breakfast with mother, it brought up its father again. It had said that its mother seemed to be able to handle these talks well, but mother said she was crying on the inside. This slave will likely never be able to tell its mother about its involvement with BDSM.
This slave’s sister phoned it this week, and invited it to a party. The parties sister has are usually family and close friends. This girl’s sister told this girl to bring its partner, the family is likely curious about them but trying to be polite. What this girl really wanted to say, is that it does not have a partner, it has an owner, two of them. What this girl actually said was “both of them?”
This girl’s sister doesn’t normally think quickly, but she fumbled only for a split second before saying “yeah!”
It might sound small, but acknowledging this girl’s homosexuality, and its polyamorous situation is pretty huge. Sister will likely ‘warn’ everyone before the party. Normally sister is very judgmental, and she has likely spoken about this conversation behind its back as well as given her opinion on lesbian love triangles.
This girl has made the decision to attend the party, and Mistress Siren is going to attend as well. Mistress Missy seems very apprehensive, as well as a little callous about how important this is for Her slave, but She may come as well.
This slave has learned about certain protocol that slaves should follow for important social functions. Very light D/s while not overtly acknowledging the D/s dynamic, showing proper respect, being attentive to others and letting others tell their stories. This girl’s Mistresses call this behavior “arm candy protocol.” It is pretty standard upper class Stepford Wife behavior. This slave has agreed that this type of behavior would be acceptable for this party. This is going to be a delicate situation, and this slave does not want its Mistresses to feel too uncomfortable, and does not want the 24/7 power exchange dynamic to lapse. Hopefully this protocol will work. If not, this slave can feign illness and leave.
The worth of labels and why straight/cis people dislike them
Why do straight, cis people detest labels so much?
Why are they so keen to say things like ‘Why do you even need labels?’ and ‘There are too many terms for things!’ (direct quotes from the last couple of days, stemming from discussions concerning different types of lesbians i.e ‘boi’/polyamory/transphobia/FAAB+MAAB )
I think that perhaps the aversion stems from this-
Straight, cis people haven’t ever had to conceive of their gender or sexuality in terms of being anything outside of the norm. They don’t see the need for labels because everyone is accepting of their straight/cis-ness, it doesn’t need to be explicitly spelled out because it’s everywhere.
They cannot see the worth in labels because they cannot understand the joy in knowing that what you feel is shared by other people, because they’ve known since birth that their sexual identity and gender identity is legitimate and approved of. They cannot see the comfort of feeling a sense of belonging constructed around identifying with a label that others share with you, because they have never felt like they do not belong.
On a more basic level, what the fuck is wrong with classifying things? We do it with all other areas of life. No one is like ‘Ohmygod scientists, can you stop identifying and grouping things? An element is an element, who cares what different properties they have?… I don’t even SEE differences’
haha, NO ¬¬ because that would be silly, and so is hating on labels.
I got stood up today
By this chill dude I met at the state library
And it felt like crap
But then I came home
And my baby was there :)
and he smiled at me and cuddled me
and we played Halo 4 all afternoon
then we went out and got indian food :D
then before this other guy facebooks me
“I’m so sorry about today”
So I said
“I just don’t understand why you didn’t text me before I wasted my time going into the city to meet you.”
“yeah thats true, I was busy though.” He replied.
…… sorry bro. My boyfriend would never treat me like that. Have a nice life.
I guess its just nice that no matter what I have with other people
I always have to come home to
to lavish me with affection and xbox <3
and vice versa too!
What It’s Like Trying To Explain Poly to a New Person You’re Dating.
So, imagine you have the coolest thing ever.
A magical bag that holds an infinite amount of cookies.
And you want nothing more than to share the contents of this bag with lots of people that you like.
And then when you go to offer it to someone they’re like “Wah…didn’t you just share your cookies with Jim?”
And you’re like “Yeah, but I got all these cookies here still! And I want to share with you! There’s enough for everyone.”
And he’s like “I don’t know, I think I’d get too jealous seeing you share your cookies with everyone else.”
Even though you have an infinite amount of cookies.
You can give him all the cookies he wants, and give Jim all the cookies he wants too.
And it’s really frustrating when people don’t want your cookies, just because they want Jim’s cookies too. Or Jim to just not get any cookies. Even though Jim, Sally, and Joe can all have cookies, and there still be no less cookies in the bag.
For some people of color, being poly is a serious cultural risk. We risk being alienated and disowned by our indigenous community, and while there are many polys who incur this risk, people of color have historically relied upon their community for survival. It’s well-documented that every non-white race in America has been forcibly indoctrinated into the prevailing white culture. People of color were forced to leave their own culture and religion behind and so—in order to survive—they assimilated and rallied around the communities they rebuilt.
Being a polyamorous person of color effectively means leaving this all behind for a community that is currently blind to intra-racial tensions, or struggling to hold on to both. As a product of that generation, but having been raised in suburban neighborhoods, my life has always been a constant struggle to live between two cultures and two communities. Although both my parents are black, I’m enveloped by the dominant white culture. Societal norms, thoughts, opinions and actions are directed and/or influenced by whiteness, while my knowledge and love of history, culture and sociology tugs at my cultural roots and the burning desire to define my own blackness. Coupled with this is the external and internal fight to relate to those of my own race and ethnicity, including those who begrudgingly or unknowingly indoctrinate themselves with the current American capitalist stereotype of blackness. One the one hand, I have black people questioning and criticizing my ignorance of the nuances of the American capitalist stereotype of blackness and subsequent deep immersion into white culture, while on the other I have white friends and loved ones oblivious to these struggles. I can’t count how many times poly people—and non-poly people—have joked with me about being a “pimp” or having a harem, without a single thought of the struggles I may be facing against those negative stereotypes.
Community is more than just an acceptance of individuals; it’s about respecting individuality in its entirety. Yes, we are all humans and we all have our struggles, but erasing history is erasing personhood, and that destroys individuality. The polyamorous community spends a lot of time talking about partying, having lots of sex, and how we are unfairly treated by the mainstream monogamous culture. However, when the spotlight falls on us, it is too easy for us to return to our comfortable societal norms of mainstream culture, and tokenize different marginalized groups so we can claim we are “diverse”. So, in writing this article, I’ve taken up the “token black guy” mantle again…only this time, I brought a mirror.
Commitments and Poly
M and I have different views on how poly works and it’s becoming a bit more clear that if we are to stay together, we’re going to have to come to a compromise on both of our parts. I’m just not sure how easy it is to compromise ones core values. I worry that either one of us will have to do that if this is going to last.
He and N have stopped seeing each other either until they can figure out if this is in fact what they want. On the opposite end, R and I are saying love now and I am very very happy.
This said, with leaving my job and the consideration of going back to school for a degree in education (I want to teach) I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my future goals and what it will take to get there. In thinking about this, it also means thinking about where my relationship with M is going. We spent a long time tonight talking about what we want from our future. Some of these things are the same, some are different, and some are still in that wobbly space of what will be will be.
Example. I want to marry M within the next few years. We are not ready for that now. We both have financial issues that need to be worked out. In addition, there is still some trust issues that need to be worked on. He has done A LOT of work on self improvement in the past few months. He quit drinking for one. I am so so proud of him however as positive as this step is, it is not without its penalties. I feel like he has hardened a bit. Granted, he needed to in order to stick with this decision however I wish he hadn’t hardened as much as he has to me. I feel like he’s protecting himself too much and it’s not as easy to reach him as it once was. I miss the softness and I hope with some time he’ll learn to redirect all the emotion I believe was once put into vices into something more positive and that sweet boy that I am so in love with will come back to me. Don’t misunderstand. He’s not some horrible beast now. He’s just….different and I’m not sure how well I’m adapting to those changes just yet. Hell, maybe in time, I won’t be so aware of it and I will adapt to this new version of my partner. I don’t want the old drunk M back. At all. I just don’t feel comfortable with some of the new toughness he’s had to develop.
But the marriage thing. Yes. It’s what I want some day. It’s what I want us to work towards. It’s a goal I want for us and I think it should be. He’s admitted he’s nervous of marriage to me because there’s always the chance that I’ll fall in love with someone else and leave him. He wants to be 100% before we get married that we’re doing the right thing. I said I will very likely fall in love with someone else (I have. I am.) but that he’s a part of my package and always will be. I can’t see myself ever loving someone who doesn’t accept M as a central part of my life and give him full consideration. Marriage doesn’t mean we can’t love. Loving someone else in addition to him doesn’t mean I’ll leave. To me it means we’re committed in a stronger way. That I trust him with life decisions and he trusts me. To me it means that we’re committed to taking care of each other and getting older together. That we are responsible for one another. I want to marry M because he is the person I trust with my life. Once our small issues are resolved, I see no reason for that not to happen. It’s a privilege we are fortunate enough to have as a straight couple and I see no reason to deny ourselves that.
And then we talk about kids. I’m 34. He’s 40. Up until recently neither of us have decided one way or another if we want kids or not. We’ve kind of taken the attitude of “If it happens, it happens. If it does not, it does not.” I don’t think I’m comfortable with that anymore. I want to decide in the next few years if I want children or not and be confident that I made a decision. I believe in community. I believe raising a child in a poly lifestyle, if done correctly, is a positive thing. He doesn’t agree. He doesn’t believe that any other person, no matter what their relationship to us is should have a say in how the child is raised. I disagree. I like the idea of having strong multiple partnerships committed to raising the child and working together as a team. I feel the child would be better off for it.
I am poly. It took me a very long time to get to this point. Even in the past four years that M and I have been together, I’ve learned so much about myself and what I want from my relationships and what I can also give. This fact cannot be compromised. I’ve been in a monogamous marriage and although there were aspects of it (stability, love, friendship) that I feel I need, the fear of not being able to meet new people was too much. I do not want to be committed to monogamy ever again. It’s not me. I’ve been in fleeting relationships. I’ve been in one night stands. I’ve been the girl who has run from one person to the next and who has put herself in destructive and dangerous situations and I don’t want any of that ever again either. It is not me. Poly allows me freedom. It allows me to love who I want to love without the restraint of boundaries. It allows me security and commitment. It allows me stability without being scared of being who I am. Now that I’m here, I do not want to go back. I can’t.
I just want to know how to move forward with M. I want to make decisions with him. I want to keep moving forward in this new love with R as well. I want to keep learning and loving and feeling safe.
I love feeling safe. Not scared.
So, I’ve been trying to find a graceful way to brag about my triad date/hook up on Friday but…I really just want to bounce up and down and tell you guys all about it.
It was just a regular old party. People were tumbling around telling everyone how drunk they were. It was fun but really nothing special.
It was really fun though, to watch the confused expressions on peoples faces, ranging from slight annoyance to being weirded right out.
The best parts of the night happened after we left, though.
And really what I’m really referring to is the way we found to hold each others hands as we took the subway home. The rest that came with dawn, and the breakfast spent watching cartoons to. It was the “I miss you” texts I got from both of them today.
It’ll never be anything more serious than what it is; friendship. And in a way that makes me a little sad, because these are two people I have fairly large crushes on. But it’s not a cause of much unhappiness, some things work better that way.
In the mean time, I’ll work on growing and learning, so that I can share the same level on comperson throughout all my relationships.
the occasional musings of a polyamorous woman
thank you to Polycule for adding my tumblr to the official giant list of poly blogs. admittedly I don’t talk poly all the time, but of late, it’s been a frequent topic.
I had this brief notion that I might try to take up my libertine sexual extramarital ways again, but I doubt I shall make any attempt. I am no longer brave enough to approach the men that gain my interest & I live in a community of serial monogamists. the difference between my poly philosophies and the monogamous viewpoints around me is that I don’t stop caring for many of those I have been sexually involved with. my relationships are fluid. they go thru sexual and platonic phases. when I am no longer sexual with someone, for various reasons, whether they have chosen to be monogamous with someone or have moved far away, or my own health crisis which went on from 2009-2011 (I’m saying it’s over now & it is…woo hoo!), I don’t have to find some terrible fault with them or bid them a final goodbye, I am content to let them lead their lives & be friends & confidantes with them.
what I see quite often in the monogamous world (not always, there are exceptions to every generalization, of course) is the tendency to have fiery breakups in order to justify being with someone new. whether I’ve been sexual with someone for a few hours one opportune afternoon or a few years or a lifetime, I always want them to be happy & I always wish them well in their journey.
Biological and Physiological mechanisms for Poly?
So, I’ll be blunt and say that my wife and I had totally awesome sex last night. Enough so that I managed to squirt for probably the 2nd time in my life (what can I say, she’s good and has figured me out). And it got me thinking … physiological reasons for female ejaculation. There have been a few scientific theories but nearly all of them have proven improbable or even just wrong. There’s been the theory that it would serve to flush the ejaculate from one male in order to make way for the ejaculate for another male in the event that a woman had sex with more than one man. Except that theory has been proven completely false as female ejaculate actually does nothing to flush out male ejaculate, and the act of orgasm actually pulls the male ejaculate further into the vagina. So what is the deal?
Well … last night I came up with an amazing theory, that just seems to work (in my mind, of course, I’m not officially a scientist or medical professional, though I dabble in science and medical knowledge, especially women’s health). What if female ejaculate serves to actually ENCOURAGE polyamory and “orgies” for lack of a better term? I know a lot of women who say once they orgasm they’re done, they can’t keep going. But that’s a “normal” orgasm, one where typically the woman tenses up at least a bit as it’s all over (and often that’s completely involuntary). But if a woman is COMPLETELY comfortable, and enjoying herself, she’s much more likely to ejaculate. So what’s the reason for that? Well, if you’re totally comfortable, and there’s more than one male around that would make a good father figure (I.E. multiple men that you’ are compatible with and have an ongoing relationship with) then it makes sense that you’d want to be extra wet and ready for the next “session” immediately if you’re “copulating” around the time of ovulation. That would be ideal for insemination and thus the continuation of the species.
So, woman has amazing mind blowing sex with a man (with or without the extra stimulation of other sexual partners in the same area), ejaculates, and is then very wet and totally open and ready for the next man to start up. There is much less preparatory work and an increased chance for more sperm to be available to fertilize the egg. On top of that you in a way *increase* the natural competition, because you’re throwing all the “compatible” sperm into one big pot and literally the best swimmer out of all of them gets the egg. I’m assuming this benefit would last quite a while, and I’ve heard of women who, with enough time in between (even with continuous sex) can ejaculate multiple times.
The thing that makes me lean towards poly with this and NOT just “any guy who comes along” is that honestly, if a woman is the least bit uncomfortable during sex, doesn’t like the guy, he’s being too rough for her own tastes, etc etc etc. She is NOT likely to ejaculate, and on top of that is VERY likely to tense up and dry out. Rather than, increasing the ease and ability of multiple men to copulate with her, it decreases the ability, and even if they do force their way, it decreases the motility of the sperm by the drying out of the vaginal canal.
So, in short. Female Ejaculate is a boon and means to support polyamorous sexual and parental relationships. :)
That Awkward Moment When Your Partners Don’t Get Along
Once again it has been awhile since I last posted, but today seemed as good a time as ever to update.
Rather recently, back during the disastrous attempt at dating C, I had met a woman I had quite a lot in common with. We were both interested in the theater, and science-fiction and fantasy, and we both happened to be Asexual. Rather early on we decided to start dating, and at first everything was fine. She seemed to like my primary partner (M), and I was able to spend quite a decent amount of time with her.
Then came the day when, off-handedly, she made a comment that she could never see herself spending time alone with M. Immediately the warning bells went off in my head, but I avoided confronting the situation right there and then, because I am (quite frankly) kind of a coward when it comes to confrontation. Days and weeks went by and the tension began to grow. I would catch them making snide remarks, fighting for time alone with me and being just plain unpleasant to one another. Needless to say, not getting along with my primary is a deal-breaker… I just had to find a good way to explain this to her and break off our romantic relationship.
*As a really random side-note, at this point in the relationship, I noticed a gaping distance between she and I. I hesitate to blame it on the fact that we are both asexual, but it did feel like that caused us both to be extremely hesitant to make any physical contact…. in the entire time we dated (a month or two) we never once held hands or kissed. It just felt awkward and horrible, and in the end was another major reason I wanted to end the relationship.
Needless to say, we went our separate ways.
It’s no fun to have lovers who dislike each other, and pretty much ruins any romance of the poly relationship. My ultimate dream is to one day live in a home with all my lovers, peacefully and happily, of course. To grow old surrounded by people I love, and who love me, and who love one another (either romantically or just as good friends)… and in the end she just didn’t fit into that dream.
I see I’ve gained quite a few more followers since my last post, and would like to welcome them to my silly little musings. I would also like to invite you to send me questions or your own stories to share with everyone about your own misadventures or even happy-ever-afters with your poly loves.
Until Next Time,
Dating websites and poly
I’m generally a lot more comfortable with folks online than in person. And in person, well, I can get along with folks I’m interested in just fine I guess, but making a leap to investigating romantic possibilities doesn’t come easily (the only times it ever has, it has been because we’ve been friends for a long time first). I’d really (really) love to have immediate physical chemistry with someone and have that translate into exploring relationship possibilities, but it hasn’t happened yet.
So when I’m actively looking for new partners (as opposed to just seeing if something eventually comes along), I turn to dating websites.
Of which, OKCupid is the only one I’ve found that is worth a damn for one simple reason: Match questions like “Would you consider dating someone in an open relationship?” Not quite exactly the question I’d ask, but it is close enough. I’m sure there are other websites that do familiarly and even some poly-specific sites, but I’m in a small-medium sized city in Canada, so I need a site with a big membership base to see more than two people. So OKCupid is pretty nice, though I do wish more folk were on it.
Anywhere else, I run into a problem that is pretty familiar in person too - “Hey, this person seems cool, we might be compatible, but they haven’t specifically mentioned polyamory, so how are they going to take it if I’m like ‘I have a girlfriend but I’m interested in you, too’?”
Frankly, I feel like I’m being a creeper if I express interest in someone who hasn’t specifically and explicitly said they’re interested in polyamory. This is kind of a problem, because I figure a large number of the folks out there - especially liberal 20 and 30-somethings - might not have heard of polyamory, but would be interested in exploring it if they had. But I feel like I’m overriding their preferences if I approach them, knowing they’re probably defaulting to monogamy when I am most definitely poly.
So I see lots of people I maybe, might be compatible with on other sites, but pretty much don’t talk to the vast majority of them unless they happen to explicitly mention poly. This seems pretty limited compared to what I see happening with poly people I know who mostly meet new possibilities in real life - half the time someone approaches them, maybe with the idea of hooking up on their minds, and then they get poly explained to them. It seems a lot easier to explain poly to someone already interested than to do so before you’ve even gotten past their first contact filters, suffice it to say. Meeting someone on a dating website re-orders how the whole ‘getting to know someone’ social process works in a way that isn’t entirely advantageous.
Anyway though, if you haven’t already (and I suspect you have if you’re into the dating website thing and poly), check out OKCupid (and maybe FetLife, but it isn’t really a dating website and if you treat it like such, you’ll be disappointed). And, y’know, if you have any suggestions to add for other sites, feel free to mention them!