sexgenderbody

rape/cutting/vaginismus

Today was supposed to be a wonderful day. I was finally going to sleep with the guy I’ve wanted to be with for months and it was going to be perfect. Everything was going to be absolutely perfect.

NOPE. Vagina would not cooperate. Like, not even a pinky finger would get in without excruciating pain. And all I could think about was how someone I actually really like, someone I legitimately wanted to be with, couldn’t even get a FINGER up there, but some asshole managed to shove his entire fucking cock inside me in spite of me crying and fighting. It isn’t fair. It is not fucking fair that he managed to take away my choice back then and is STILL doing it two years later without even trying.

Joseph handled it really well, and I managed to keep my composure until I left so I guess he just thinks I was nervous. I hadn’t been nervous at all - I had a lot of intimacy issues when I was still with my ex but by the end of our relationship I was able to consistently have sex without any issues. So I figured I was better for good and had absolutely nothing to worry about. Apparently not.

I completely broke down when I got home. I ended up cutting my inner thigh and there’s no way that cut is going to close without stitches, especially with all the walking I do. So tomorrow I have to go to the clinic first thing in the morning instead of going to work.

And now I want nothing to do with Joseph. He did absolutely nothing wrong but I just don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me. I just want to curl up in bed with my doors locked and hope that no one will ever hurt me again.

i’m trying to compile information for a friend around collective and responses to sexual assault and intimate partner violence. Any sort of community accountability model information would be appreciated. Please link and reblog, it’d be cool to make a grassroots collection of this stuff.

I’ve noticed that a lot of the girls around my club seem to have many of the same injuries, physical problems, and illnesses. Note: I’m not a doctor, nor do I have formal training in medicine, and these are only my observations.

Bruised knees: Impact from hitting them on the stage repeatedly throughout the night. Very commonplace among all of the girls.

Shortened calf muscles: Standing in 7” heels for many hours a week, the calf muscles are intentionally contracted (making the legs look more toned).

Poor posture: The misconception is that strippers have great posture. It appears so, when in heels, but the abdominal muscles are overstretched and the back muscles contracted (think chest out, butt out). It leads to an exaggerated curve of the spine and, often, chiropractic issues. Think of this as the opposite of a slouching problem.

Foot swelling: This one’s obvious. 7” stilletos direct the pounds-per-square-inch to be approximately that of an elephant (so I’ve been told, or read, somewhere—I’d have to look that up later).

Bone movement/restructuring in the feet: This is why new dancers’ fourth and fifth toes on each foot, and some tendons, hurt pretty badly at first. The shoes force the fourth and fifth toes inward and body weight puts pressure on them to stay there. The tendons and ligaments connect to the bones in the feet, and have to adjust to the new position of the foot and toes. According to x-rays of dancers’ feet, the stilletos cause microfracturing

Brittle fingernails: Many of the girls wear fake nails, or have acrylic nails done. For whatever reason, this causes their nails to become brittle when the fake nails are removed or the acrylics allowed to grow out/fall off.

Brittle hair: Straighteners, curling irons, three-barrel rollers, hair dye, bleach, hair spray, hair gel, smoothing drops, extensions, …and on and on. These things aren’t so bad for hair, until they’re done so often that some girls never seem to get their hair to grow at all. Hence why so many girls have extensions (“tracks”).

Frequent viral and bacterial sicknesses: The girls get so close to customers’ faces and hands, that it’s almost inevitable that we get sick so often. So far in the past year? I’ve had the H1N1 flu, strep three times, an ear infection, and a handful of sniffly-nosed colds that took me out for a day. Add to this a lack of health, dental, or vision insurance by most dancers, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Seasonal cough: “Smokers’ Cough” affects many smokers…and since most dancers are smokers in my club, most have the seasonal, hacking cough.

Alcoholism: It’s absolutely rampant. We’re allowed and encouraged to drink at work with the customers, and so many of the girls rely on it to do their job at first that they don’t stop drinking. Another co-worker today announced her ascent into rehab in the near future.

Substance abuse and dependence: Not as common, but still more frequent than the general population. Drugs generally don’t faze the girls whatsoever. It’s very discouraged by the club (termination if any illegal substances are found—and everything, everyone, and everyplace is recorded on camera). Substance use, abuse, or dependence doesn’t necessarily render a girl a social outcast and isn’t really a main factor in social heirarchy.

Eating disorders/Body dysmorphic disorder: Much more frequent than in the general population.

Sexual abuse or assault history: Pretty much the norm. It isn’t discussed, but simply understood, that we’re all pretty fucked up about sex for some reason.

Defiance disorders; inappropriate behavior in regards to authority figures, mores, and rules: Much, much, much, much higher than in the general population. You might call these girls “sassy” or “bitchy” or “tough”—but some, honestly, will probably never be able to “play by the rules”. In a dancer’s world, rules and social standards are created and enforced carefully by the top dancers—usually the one’s that display a lot of hostility towards traditional social constructs! The more defiant and aggressive a girl appears to be, the higher on the social ladder she climbs. Odd, hm? I have yet to figure out why the other, less defiant, girls seem to follow them.

Unhealthy sex lives, attitudes, or practices: This could be related to the job, to a prior history of sexual abuse or assault, attitude towards her body, or any number of things. I’m not saying “why”; I’m saying, it exists. Dancers seem to float one of two ways: either into a realm of not wanting to be sexual on a personal level often (sometimes floating into complete sexual aversion), or being hypersexual in her personal life (sometimes including risky sex partners and practices).

Concussions, broken bones, sprained/twisted ankles, pulled shoulders, pulled hamstrings, etc.: Not as commonplace as you’d expect! Surprisingly, bad falls aren’t common, but they do happen occasionally.

…more as I think of them, I’m sure…

Really, don’t read if you are triggered by rape apologism and medical industries lying about how rape works. Ok, so on point radio was talking about Todd Akin’s comments about legitimate rape. And I saw this comment on facebook that was really good. A man named Richard compiled it and it is on the on point radio page comments about Todd Akin if you want the original source. I didn’t compile these. But I NEEED to share them:

“I would hope that when a woman goes into a physician, with a rape issue, that that physician will indeed ask her about perhaps her marriage, was this pregnancy caused by normal relations in a marriage, or was it truly caused by a rape.”
- Senator Chuck Winder, R- Idaho, 2012
“Most women either are not fertile during assault or do not become pregnant because the trauma prompts a hormonal response that prevents ovulation.”
- Dr. Richard Dobbins, 20-year GOP contributor, 2006
“Concern for rape victims is a red herring because conceptions from rape occur with approximately the same frequency as snowfall in Miami.”
- Judge James Leon Holmes, Bush appointee
“The facts show that people who are raped — who are truly raped — the juices don’t flow, the body functions don’t work and they don’t get pregnant. Medical authorities agree that this is a rarity, if ever … to get pregnant, it takes a little cooperation. And there ain’t much cooperation in a rape.”
- Rep. Henry Aldridge, R- North Carolina, 1995
“The odds that a woman who is raped will get pregnant are one in millions and millions and millions […] The traumatic experience of rape causes a woman to secrete a certain secretion that tends to kill sperm.”
- Delaware state Rep. Stephen Freind, R-Delaware County, 1988

so i believe all these men are rapists, this is my stance. even if it’s not yours. but look at the wording. it’s disgusting.

“But it will ruin their future and their reputation!”

MAYBE THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE FUCKING RAPED SOMEONE THEN.

Dudes at the club touching me and my friends without our permission really pissing me off. My guy friend shouldn’t have to fend you off like he’s our goddamn superhero. Go the fuck away, and if a girl says to stop touching her, FUCKING DO IT.

And if you’re a bouncer who makes jokes when women get pissed off about this shit, fuck off. AND if you hear a woman yelling “don’t touch me”, don’t joke around and say “TOUCH HER DUDE”.

Fucking boys in this town. Luckily, I dealt with the least amount of unwanted touching.

These myths have the effect of:

• Increasing the trauma experienced by the sexual offence victim.
• Encouraging prejudice regarding the liability of both the victim and the accused in the matter.
• Slowing down or preventing the recovery of the victim.
• Discouraging victims from reporting the offence.
• Providing the sex offender’s defence lawyers with the means to assist the offenders in escaping conviction for the crime or reducing the sentence that they are given.
• Hampering society’s understanding as to the causes of sexual offences and the seriousness of its effect on victims. Through this, victims are denied the support and assistance that they need, to heal from the experience of sexual violation.

Stereotypes and myths about rape involve ideas about:

• Who is sexually violated
• Who commits sexual crimes
• How and where sexual offences occur
• Why sexual offences occur

The Consequences of these myths and misconceptions

Consider a woman who walks to her car in a quiet parking lot, a man then rushes out of the shadows and presses a knife to her throat, he then forces her to engage in sexual intercourse with him, threatening to kill her if she struggles or screams.

Or a woman who wakes up in the early hours of the morning to find a man touching her leg. She struggles against him, he hits her repeatedly until she submits to sexual intercourse.

A family invite friends to celebrate the new year, one of the guests, who is intoxicated forces a young child to perform sexual acts with him.

These scenarios are relatively easy to describe as sexual offences and the victims would easily gain our sympathy. We may, however, still question why she had walked on her own to her car, or why she did not have burglar bars installed at her home. For the most part, however, we would be outraged and do whatever was possible to ensure that the perpetrator be brought to justice – as we should.

The question becomes somewhat more complex in a certain instances:

Where the perpetrator and victim knew each other prior to the attack

It is fairly commonly held that women will “cry rape” out of spite towards the accused (consider the recently scrapped cautionary rule in sexual offence cases), especially if there is any possibility that he had rejected her at a point in the past. While this is certainly a possibility, the frequency of this occurring is substantially less then many would like to believe. Consider the implications for a person who lays any charge concerning A sexual offence (being questioned by frequently unsympathetic police officials, enduring the medical examination for forensic evidence, the questioning of her character and morals by peers and community, the humiliation of cross examination by the defence attorney in court). These clearly act as a deterrent to the laying of false charges. The caution exercised to ensure that someone who is falsely accused of a sexual offence is not found guilty may be over exercised, with the consequence that offenders walk out of court with a not guilty verdict and are released into society where they may continue to commit sexual offences if they so wish. Instead of focussing only on the complainant’s reasons for making a false accusation, it would be beneficial to also consider, what the consequences of such an action would be on that person.

Because sexual offences between acquaintances is so common, we often hear of women who withdraw charges once they have been made. This leads to the common assumption that she laid a false charge. What we fail to consider is the influence that the existing relationship between the victim and the offender later has on her decision. The possibility of intimidation is increased when the accused and the complainant have a previous relationship of any nature and the societal pressure to discontinue with the case also increases. It is important that we consider these as possible factors before assuming that the complainant has been untruthful in her original allegation of a sexual offence.

In cases involving young women and girls

When hearing about an alleged sexual offence against a young woman we often immediately question what she may have done to cause the incident. Men are viewed as being at the mercy of these complaints in sexual matters. The perception is that a ‘healthy young man’ is provoked into performing a sexual act with the complainant through her behaviour or dress. This is not exclusive to younger women.

Where the complainant had consumed alcohol

We assume that a woman who consumes alcohol is in some way more responsible for sexual violence perpetrated against her than a woman who did not. This is based on the assumption that a respectable woman should not drink or become intoxicated this is not extended to men and is clearly biased. To say that by consuming alcohol a woman sends a message to men that she is sexually available, is ludicrous. Due to the effects of alcohol, an intoxicated woman may provide an easier target for a sexual offence than a woman who has not consumed alcohol.

Summary

The above factors often lead to the assumption that due to her behaviour or personality, the victim is not in a position to be outraged regarding the incident as sexual activity is a natural progression of those situations and relationships, when the issue of forced sexual activity is raised under those circumstances we tend to view these incidents as being less serious than those mentioned in the first group.

We often emphasise the behaviour and actions of the victim in these situations and focus our attention on what she did to provoke the accused and cause him to later insist on sexual activity regardless of her refusals. We fail to place the same emphasis on the actions of the accused. We fail to question his decision to disregard the wishes of the victim.

This takes the responsibility for the offence away from the offender and places it, instead, on the victim.

This compounds the trauma that the victim suffers on account of being violated and makes it more difficult for her overcome the effects that the sexual violation has on her life. No person is responsible for the sexual violence they experience. It is the person who chooses to violate who is at fault. It is the offender not the victim who is the cause of the sexual offence.

-Excerpts from an article written by Samantha Waterhouse