Charging more for men at events
As a self-labelled feminist, I find the idea of charging more for admittance to sex based events (like swingers clubs or fetish clubs) a backwards step to the feminist cause. But NOT because it is unfair to the men. It’s because it is unfair to the women.
The oft cited reason for charging men more is to restrict numbers and make the atmosphere better. Unfortunately this implies that an event with more men has a less pleasant and more predatory atmosphere. I don’t like this assumption. This suggests that men are incapable of behaving appropriately at events and for want of a better phrase, keeping their hands to themselves. Having to physically restrict the amount of single men shouldn’t be the answer, education and vetting should be. Let the men be responsible for their own decisions on how they behave, and if they don’t comply with the rules then kick them out, as you would with anyone else. At the end of the day, don’t pose behind ‘equal numbers’ as a way to make more profit. If equal numbers truly were a problem, then just keep a register and admit one man for every woman. Anything else is just a profit making exercise hiding behind the women’s cause.
However that is not the main thing I want to talk about.
By restricting the number of single men but allowing unlimited single women, the club is rejecting the idea of a woman’s choice in her sexuality.
By allowing more women than men, you are giving men the power. You are giving men the choice. You are saying that men want to choose from multiple women but women should put up with what they can get. You are saying that all men should be good enough for women - hence why you don’t need to let many men in, but you’re saying that men should be allowed to choose the pick of the bunch and reject those that aren’t good enough.
You’re also saying that women should be happy playing with other women. That a couple is only going to want to invite a woman to join them, not a man. That it’s ok for women to be a ‘third’, but not a man. Once again you’re giving men the power here, to indulge their fantasies. To support the idea that threesomes (and moresomes) are all about multiple woman and one man. You’re supporting that stereotype that is forced on us as we grow up. That women are desirable to men, but men are not desirable in the same way.
You’re only accepting bisexuality in women and not in men. It’s expected for a woman to be bisexual in this world. Because all women like other women really, right? When I tell people I’m not really bisexual, only for very special women, I am looked at like I’m a freak. “So how does your dom feel about you not playing with other women for him?” well to be honest, he’s quite alright with that. We’d rather play with other men anyway.
And that’s just it. By taking away the amounts of single men at events you’re taking away the likelihood of meeting a hot bisexual man. That’s one of the reasons we go, you know. To meet a nice (or maybe not so nice?) man. A man who has the same interests as us - fetish clubs, swinging etc. Where better to find one than at a fetish or swingers club? Oh no, wait. It’s NOT a good place to find them, because bisexual men are constantly rejected by this world as not being up to standard. Including by restricting their access to clubs and similar but charging them extortionate prices.
You’re also rejecting MY sexuality as well as the bisexual men. I like men. Most women like men. Given the choice I would rather play at a club with ten men than a single woman. And you’re taking away my ability to act on this. But a man wanting to play with ten women… well that’s perfectly acceptable. I want to go to clubs to fulfil my fantasies, not to help a load of straight couples fulfil theirs.
But the biggest problem is this one.
If I attend such a club as a single women, the burden is on me. It’s like when you go on a date and a man buys you flowers. The burden is on you to perform and reciprocate the value, generally in sexual favours. That’s how the patriarchal power exchange between man and woman works, like it or not.
When I attend a club as a single woman and I pay a quarter of the price of a single man, I know that the single man is expecting to get more than me out of the experience because he has paid four times as much. This means that he will be looking for the women to perform for him, to get his money’s worth. I’m not saying this is a conscious thought, but think about it. When you open a bottle of Stella, do you expect the same drinking experience as a 50p can of value lager? Of course you don’t. It’s reassuringly expensive for a reason, it’s built into our psychology.
So by charging more for single men, you’re turning the single women into a sex object, designed to entertain the single men.
And clubs reinforce this by the dress codes. By telling women to ‘be daring’ or ‘dress to impress’ while saying that men have to wear a shirt and shoes as a minimum. Why aren’t we telling men to be daring or dress sexy? But that is another post.
So I believe that by creating an atmosphere of equality by charging everyone the same, you would take the pressure off the single women and perhaps even attract more, evening up the numbers that way instead. And best of all, you wouldn’t be putting pressure on me, as a single woman, to do things that I don’t want to do
Asking Permission: What So Many Guys Can’t (or Won’t) Understand
The first rule of a swinger’s club is that
you don’t talk about a swinger’s club(wait, wrong club). The first - and most important rule - of any swinging situation is that “no” means “no.” It’s basic, simple, and to the point. Additionally, I like to say that an absence of a “no” is not a tacit “yes,” which means you must always get verbal permission before engaging in any sort of sexual contact.
I simply cannot understand why so many men in the lifestyle don’t seem to get this concept past their pants and into their brains. All too often I see situations in which men engage a woman in highly inappropriate touching or fondling without first checking to make sure it’s okay, and only getting a terse or forced permission after the fact (“You don’t mind that I’m doing this, do you?”) This typically occurs when a woman’s defenses are down or her intoxication is up.
Men, stop. Just… Stop. You make yourselves look like assholes and you give us all a bad name.
Women, don’t put up with it. I can’t claim to fully understand the social apprehension that follows a woman - especially an inexperienced, young woman - into the lifestyle. I’m sure that by the time a man forces his hands onto your tits and then asks permission, it is quite difficult to tell him to back-the-fuck-off. But it is incumbent upon women to understand that they ultimately control what happens in most swinging situations. They are empowered to say what can or cannot happen.
I would like to see more men and women both take responsibility for stopping such over-aggressive behavior. By the same token, I realize that I need to speak up more often when I see it happening.
Went to my first Swingers party.
And it. Was. Amazing.
If you enjoy sex. GO. Find one. And get your fucking fuck on.
It’s a Celebration!
In celebration of 400 posts, here’s a photo set of a great swingers party.